Shock news from John Lichfield of the Independent. Up to one in six professional footballists tested in a recent 'hair opinion poll' were found to have traces of drugs in samples ripped unjustly from their scalps (Fabien Barthez managed to avoid this test).

The main nose candy of choice appeared to be DHEA, which builds muscle but doesn't linger in the urinary system, but does stay in hair. 7 out of 32 players from the French League's top echelons were found to be cheating. That's 21.8%! Over 1/5th! And they aren't going to be named. Why? Why? Why?

Imagine if this was the Premier League. There'd be outrage! There'd be tabloid rage! There'd be public calls for someone to resign! But no, it's France, land of the cheese-eating surrender monkeys, and...

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If so it seems you're not alone, at least amongst the people of Inverness. There have been over 1000 adverts for sexual liaisons on an unnamed site, according to the Highland Times, including one cheeky Celtic chappie who wanted to romp with a ravishing Rangers wriggler during the recent Old Firm game.

This is what Dark Side is all about. Tell us your stories about getting with the enemy. Have you ever bedded a Blackburn beauty just so you could puke in her handbag? Seduced a smokin' Stoke guy so you could leave him a present in his shoe? What about seeing a bloke's Liverpool tattoo and promptly removing all privileges? Let us know and you too could be big news in the Highland Times (you know you want to).

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Gattuso (definately gay - see picture) – personally one of my favourite grizzled old I-Ti generals, and a workhouse to boot. He sticks his head where armoured wild horses fear to tread, and oh so often he does it with passion and (previously) great hair.

And now he’s been ruled out for the rest of the season with a serious knee injury – he has to find something to do, and launching a tongue-lashing towards Sir Alex Ferguson and Jose Mourinho seems the way forward in the midfield general’s mind.

You see, he has recently claimed that his side AC Milan would have beaten Manchester United in the Champions League had they qualified for the competition this season. “If we had faced Manchester United, we would have won. The Champions League is alw...

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What in the name of all that is football is going on here?

Steven Gerrard selling his car on Auto Trader? WTF? Like he needs the money. And why choose a public platform like Auto Trader? Why not take it to a dealer? Or get a mate to sell it? Or sell it to a guy in the Academy? Putting it online though....seriously. I'm disappointed in you Steven, and not just because you're a dirty Scouser who scored against my beloved Man U on Saturday [insert your choice of filthy insult here].

Silly Stevie.

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....he kinda loves his club.

Google Earth has revealed an interesting fact about Neville Mansions, presumably put there as a little joke for when his mates come in and out by helicopter. 

Thing is, although I'm not sure the picture fully corroborates this, the clown has planted it behind a wall! It probably can't be seen by anyone but the aforementioned helicopter guests, the farmer whose field it's in and passing hot air balloon pilots. Maybe it's his senility kicking in (he's way too old to be playing football, yeah right!)

Thanks to Lizzie Smith at the Mail Online for this. Shit paper, great...

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Did he or didn't he?

Well the news has reached far and wide, appearing online in places such as Xinhua and the Sofia Echo. Our view comes from Goal.com though, where young Cesc 'categorically' denies spitting at Hull's assistant manager Brian Horton after the Arse went through to the FA Cup semis following a dodgy, possibly probably definitely offside winner from William Gallas. (Quick before YouTube remove it)

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Oh brilliant! Japanese lads wearing binoculars trying to play football... This looks like Far Eastern TV at its ankle snapping, ocular ruining best! Kick off around 30 seconds looks like our very own contributor Tom when he's booting air and landing on his ample ass on the football pitch... Read Post »

Much as I love the self-styled most handsome manager in English Football, Chris Coleman, the lad has to lighten up a little – after the angry Sky Blues boss accused Preston’s matchday compere of being 'unprofessional' for the comment he made following Turner's misplaced header that gave Preston their equalising goal.

For as the players made their back to the centre-circle for the restart, the announcer - a stand-in for the regular matchday host (allegedly) quipped: "Scoring his first goal for Preston, Ben Turner." A comment that annoyed me far less than Ben’s blunderous error – come on… Now is it just me, or is that pretty amusing? It’s bloody grim up North and they really need something to smile about…

Preston general manager Ben Rhodes told the Lancashire Evening Post: "We agree with Chris Coleman, it was unprofessional and it shouldn't have happened. Unfortunately, we had a stand-in for our regular announcer who was on ho...

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Nothing short of genius...thanks SportsRubbish

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So, humbled (kind of) by Manchester United last night, thanks to a wayward Patrick Viera - some may say woeful defending, who am I to judge? - Jose Mourinho may have disgraced himself by punching a fan in the face last night.

Following reports from a fan saying he'd been punched by Mourinho as the stroppy manager boarded the team bus at Old Trafford, Jose now finds himself at the centre of an 'assault probe'. Brilliant. Couldn't happen to a more arrogant self-important nicer chap.

Back to the game, and admittedly if the world had shifted 3 inches to the left things would have been very different last night. Good work by the ground staff putting the extra layers of paint on the woodwork (when was the last time goalposts were made of wood?). Whatever happened, it...

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