The Darkside of the Ball

Kyle Lafferty you thunderc**t!

Tue, 19 May 2009 17:54:39 -0400

We argued with you about Didier long into the night! We speculated that Ronaldo spent more time throwing himself onto the ground than winging in spectacular free-kicks from long range. We even riled a fair few of you (who are idiots no doubt) by claiming that Ashley Cole was a whinging little bastard who didn’t realise how lucky he was to have copped off with a bag of clunge so hot that she could single headedly melt the polar icecaps. You argued back – we liked that, and our difference in opinion will be shouted at each other from screen to comment box for all eternity.

However – i think that even in this debauched sweat-box, home of filthy porn, global village that is the internet – we’ll have to search long and hard to find someone who doesn’t agree with this article after seeing that twat Kyle Lafferty’s recent reaction to a nod in a recent Rangers Aberdeen match.

“No doubt when you saw this you were shocked. I certainly was. I simply couldn't believe someone could so blatantly cheat. The condemnation has been universal” said Georgina Best of Girls who can’t do football – soccerblog reckoned “It would have made (insert here customary cheap pot shot at) Cristiano Ronaldo proud”. Even Lafferty’s usually delightful mother was purported to have said of her son “had less integrity than Jacqui Smith’s husband when faced with a long night in and a straining lob-on to contend with”.

Put simply Kyle is a dirty cheat, a disgrace to football – and should be banned for a good few months. This is bringing the game to a low, low level – one that ruins the game. OK, it’s only Scottish football so nothing particularly important... But those jocks are people too you know! Lafferty out!

Tevez on his way to the Kop?

Wed, 13 May 2009 08:57:04 -0400

Ouch – Our Alex Ferguson is going to be livid, for in news that is likely to delight koppites across the globe, it seems that strike sensation Carlos Tevez wants to join Manchester United’s fiercest rivals Liverpool. Ouch!

It appears that the cheeky scousers have contacted Tevez’s owner Kia Joorabchian to register their interest and the Argentine is keen on the move – and with the dour scot looking unlikely to stump up the required 26 mill to keep him – moomin-faced Rafa could be locking down the Argentinean goods.

It will enable Tevez, 25, to continue living in Cheshire where his family are settled. He is not concerned by any animosity the move might cause –lets be fair, the atmosphere at United games is famously tawdry of late- as he has already stated his desire to stay, and feels the Red Devils don’t want him anymore.

I’ll be interested to see ‘The Manc’s’ take on this, but to me it seems to be a good move for Liverpool – as picking up this proven premiership talent could add just the bite they need to their strikeforce. And what’s more – how much will it piss Sir Alex off! Mwahaha.

Twat it like Beckham! Whitley Bay star nearly betters Becks.

Tue, 12 May 2009 07:48:54 -0400

Picture the scene:

It's the FA Vase Final at Wembley, Whitley Bay vs. Glossop North End, a sunny day, everything's A-OK, especially if your fella does this:

Props to the keeper for an incredible save (and not braining himself on a post), but what a shot. Our collective hats are doffed to you Mr. Johnston. Well done son, well done.

Can Ronaldo kick it? Yes he fucking can!

Mon, 11 May 2009 03:55:32 -0400

Unlike me old mucker JakkyBarbituates who claimed in the last article that he is in no way a Man U fan, I - TheManc - most definitely am. And to redress the balance in the slurring of my soon to be double-winning heroes, here's something from the warm up against some poor saps we trounced.

Props to Tim Lovejoy and ChannelBee for the vid.

Didier Drogba's hip hop career taking off! It's a fuckin disgrace, a fu-fu-fucking disgrace

Sun, 10 May 2009 19:23:04 -0400

After DSOTB's recent post about Didier Drogba bought agreement and absolute consternation in equal measure *I'M NOT A MAN UTD FAN OK* - I thought we'd cheer our most vocal opposers with this charming video created by some of those cheeky types at rathergood.com...

Enjoy!

Ronaldo Facebook page debacle

Thu, 7 May 2009 14:41:54 -0400

So the biggest unofficial Ronaldo Facebook page has been shut down. Because it was unofficial. Erm...freedom of speech?

Let's set aside the fact that the guy who ran it spent 'six or seven hours' EVERY day updating his page with Ronaldo facts, and really, REALLY should have found something else to do. But everyone's got to have a hobby, right? Some people are chronic masturbators (although to be fair, maybe he dabbled a bit while he 'updated'), others turn to mass murder, but Kunwar Ali devoted his spare time to his hero. Fair play to him. Was he hurting anybody?

So, Kunwar, if you're out there, reading this, get in touch and you can write on Darkside. We'll give you a guest slot, so you can vent all your devotion right here. If anyone can get a message to Kunwar, please do, one of his 3 million fans should be reading this.

On another note - Facebook, what the fuck? If this is some image right issue, you can fuck right off. The dude even offered Ronaldo representatives the chance to make it an official page. Well Kunwar, I do believe it's time to come over to the Darkside - we don't give a fuck about rules.

Sex pest Ndlovu on the run from the law in South Africa

Thu, 7 May 2009 13:12:30 -0400

A former hero of mine, and once perhaps the most lauded talismanic talent in the top flight of English Football – precocious Zimbabwean winger Peter Ndlovu has hit a new low this week, fleeing from the law in South Africa after failing to appear in court over a maintenance battle with his ex-wife.

Notorious womaniser Peter had told the court that he was ‘probably’ not the father of singer Sharon Dee’s two sons, and promptly refused to take a paternity test, his lawyer claiming “that the Thanda Zulu Royals player could not afford to pay for them.” A DNA paternity test in South Africa costs about £182 for one child and the alleged father.

Sharon Dee divorced Ndlovu in November last year citing his infidelity. No surprise there then.

Drogba is a fuckin' disgrace....

Wed, 6 May 2009 19:15:15 -0400

There’s nothing like top level football for witnessing grown men hurl toys out of their pram with indignity suited only to a tiny wailing child, but while the unlucky Darren Fletcher was unfairly sent off last night and took the referees blatant idiocy with grace and patience of a saint, tonight Didier Drogba showed a whole different side of footballing temperament.

For as referee Ovrebo had to be escorted from the pitch by a platoon of stewards, Drogba was apparently bent on a physical confrontation. To compound his intimidating behaviour, the Ivory Coast international then turned to a television camera and screamed into it, describing the official as a "f----- disgrace".

What a cunt... Yeah – the referee had a stinker, but hell Drogba is beginning to bore me. Screaming like a twat is all very well in terms of passion, but why doesn’t he back it up but I don’t know... buying all the fans who turned up to Catalonia last week to see him miss a grade A sitter a pint or two, rather than looking like a total nob-jockey in front of everyone

“you just cannot condone the behaviour of some of their players, especially Drogba. The fact that the Barca goal came so late probably made it even worse for the Chelsea players, but seeing players like Michael Ballack nearly hitting the referee is, as Drogba would put it, a disgrace, a f*ckin disgrace.”

I hope he’s banned for time!

What? Gazza's not dead?

Tue, 5 May 2009 08:50:20 -0400

Well I'll be buggered...coulda sworn he'd popped his clogs a few months back. Mind you, there wasn't a national outcry and I can't remember any State Funerals, so maybe he's still upright.

Evidence? He turned out for Darlington in some charity thing that was meant to save the ailing....ah, fetch the violins! The main point is that he played, didn't fall in a heap with a collapsed liver, and won. And we all know that's the important thing - the not collapsing.

Well done Paul, well done.

Who said women's football was crap... Not me!!

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 20:24:17 -0400

That's because videos like this are created. Never have I seen such a fine sight of large breasted, tiny hotpanted babes flinging themselves about in mud looking finer than FINE...

This gentleman - is the beautiful game.

ENjoy!