First of all, apologies for the blatant attempt to piggy back on the title of the best film I’ve seen in a *long* time. Hey, I’m sure they won’t mind as they’re counting their squillions.

Anyway, has Ramos completely lost the plot or what? The guys at Tottenham Hotspur Mad actually think it’s all part of some long term, krazy plan the Gaffer’s got going on to trim and hone a squad into a lean, mean fighting machine. Fat fucking chance. Spurs always have been and always will be a mid-table side, nothing more, nothing less. Occasional Cup success belies the fact that they’re just there to make up the numbers. Fact.

If Kevin Keegan isn’t, right at this minute, hanging his head in shame, he should be ashamed of himself. Yes King Kev (a moniker that surely couldn’t be further from the truth) it’s your fault that this footballing generation will carry on regardless with the roastings and the thieving and the drunk driving and the assaulting (both on and off the pitch) and the general arrogant behaviour. The current crop of young lads with a massive amount of lettuce burning holes in their designer pockets will think that any ‘naughty’ stuff they get up to will be instantly forgiven in a ‘Oh, he’s only a young lad, he’s got a short temper, it’s not his fault it...

In the interests of your safety (never copying any of these guys might prolong your life a bit), we bring you a collection of well known names with the dodgiest face barnets you ever did see.

Paul Breitner

Playing in the best teams in the world (Bayern Munich, Real Madrid), you’d think this Kraut would have had the nous to take a look at his colleagues – touting the best threads and treads – and whilst not copy, at least conform. Not our Pauly. Check the bush on this loon. Brian Blessed eat your heart out.

Nathan Dyer has been ordered to do 60 hours community service after being caught with team mate Bradley Wrong-Phillips, jamming his stupid hands in the bags and coats of patrons frequenting Bar Bluu in Southsea.

Is it just me, or does anyone else, think about this situation and find it absolutely impossible to fathom what the fuck they were doing? These guys aren't exactly the crème de la crème of the English game, but even so, they pull in some serious moola. If reports are to be believed, while under the watchful eye of cloakroom CCTV, twats, they five finger discounted three mobile devices and £145 in cash. Oh, and this was all done while breaking the club curfew that had been put in place, presumably, to stop young players making pricks of themselves.

The upshot is, these two get paid decent money, so the club hit them with a fine totaling £26,000, plus you can throw in £392.50 compensation as well...

To do so is a dangerous thing, ask the boys killed by Plymouth Argyle Keeper Luke McCormick. Oh no, I said killed didn't I. So they won't actually be answering anything then because they are dead.

Why? Because Luke was driving dangerously, while consumed by excessive amounts of alcohol, and, to make the hat-trick, without insurance. The situation is beyond words. Stupid is as stupid does, but the guy earns £4000 a week, and can't not drink, get a cab or insure his shit wreck Range Rover, which he only drives because it makes him feel slightly better about his mediocrity.

Plymouth have suspended Luke. Big fucking deal. Cut the loser, let him burn... nobody who knows his mistake ...

Boozin’, birdin’, Miss World-beddin’ Besty is an Old Trafford hero…bigger than Jesus…better than The Beatles…and he epitomised cool in the 60’s. It’s a hackneyed phrase, but in this case is 100% true - women wanted him, men wanted to be him [Ed - some probably wanted him too].

The Irish charm and twinkle in the eye, that caused many-a swoon off the pitch, translated itself onto the field where opponents were left beguiled by his skill, dazed by his footwork, and were often left with a confused look on their faces after he ghosted past them on his way to score another entry in the 101 Great Goals list. It wasn’t just his skill on the football field that gained him his reputation th...