OK, so Little William Gallas isn't a happy bunny. But mate, fetch the toys back into the pram and retrieve your dummy from wherever it was spat to. Man the fuck up and deal with it.

So there's one player at Arsenal who is causing disruption. Dressing room rifts. Responsible for the other players not 'fighting' as hard as they could (not Martin 'Apeman' Keown then). But don't just fanny around, point the finger, expose the bastard.

And not content with that, a certain 'S' on the French national team isn't pulling...

We know those wags are a nasty bunch... but picking on a widowed ginger lass with buck teeth!

Ok, the wags in question, one Carly Zucker and Nicola, err, something the fuck, maybe didn't actually mean to make her cry and weren't actually picking on her. But that would be boring, right? Well, I only saw literally two minutes and I have to say, these wags are not my type. Even reduced to jungle slacks and so desperate for a champagne and a night at China Whites, to offer them a lemonade in a flute glass and flash a torch behind them would defo result in a blowy I couldn't do it - well maybe if Spurs had lost. Fucking Fulham, fucking Gomes, fucking Gareth Bale and his god damn hair... I'd just got used to winning! See Mr. Hotspur for the deets and a controversial perspective on that clown we currently have employed between...

Step forward Antonio Cassano. Legend.

Not content with slagging off every Italian coach under the sun in his new book (out in time for Christmas in all good bookshops, and some rubbish ones), he also reveals his sexploits in explicit detail. OK, you've bagged 'between 600 and 700' women. Well done.

What is quite funny though, is the truly Dark Side was in which he swapped whatever girl he'd shagged in the team hotel with a waiter - and all for a few cream-filled croissants. Genius. Meet girl, shag girl, get bored of girl, swap girl for pastry-based snacks...the 'perfect night' as he puts it. And now he's very much in love with a water polo player...who's...

The sorry tale of what can happen when promising youngsters have their career abruptly ended can be summed up no better than what happened to Robert McNeil.

An excellent youth player at St. Mirren, farmed out to Leyton Orient to give him some match practice, McNeil suffered a career-ending leg break. Sad yes, but most players have something to fall back on (I personally know a lad who has played in the Premiership on the biggest stage [dreaming in a theatre some might say], who now drives a minicab). Not young McNeil. He blew his severance payment from St. Mirren on drugs and from there his live took a sordid downward spiral culminating in a stay in one of the Queen's hotels for assault and robbery.

On the bright side, he has gained the...

We love The Spoiler, because they encompass everything that is Darkside without being as good as us.

Not earning enough from her career at FC Nuremberg a few years ago, Eva Roob thought 'Fuck it' changed her name to Samira Summer and now earns her green....well, fucking it. For she has turned to the world of hard core pornography, and by all accounts isn't half bad at what she does. Naturally we can't show any of her 'work' here on DSOTB (you can always check out this vid if you want), but a few snaps of her won't go amiss, so feast your eyes on the norks below.

You heard me right. Far from trying to emulate his fellow South American counterparts in some exotic bedroom gymnastics (Cristiano Ronaldo bedding numerous birds in a week, and Fat Ronaldo's 'shit-they're-blokes!' episodes spring to mind), that bloke whose name sounds like a French kid needing a shit has announced that everyone should wait until their wedding night before scoring the ultimate goal.

Yes Darksiders, a Brazilian footballer in 'No sex' shocker, well, at least until he'd married his sweetheart, and according to a quote on Goal.com, it was all the sweeter for it. This guy obviously has jelly for brains, because it's plain to see that whilst she had...

Ready for a two-pronged attack on our favourite Girl Aloud? Cover your ears Number8, you're not going to like this (our very own Number8 recently attended a GA gig at Warwick Castle...did I say that out loud? Ooops!).

Prong one - Our Cheryl initially was of excatly the same mindset as 99% of the country in that when she first met him, she thought Ashley Cole was a wanker. Well done, Cheryl. He heckled her at a house party, presumably in his attempts to woo her, by conjuring up such witticisms and bons mots as 'Nice bum' and 'Hey, hot lips'. Oscar Wilde was predictably NOT turning in his grave. She told him to piss off, but on further consultation with a psychic - I'll say that again for those who may have missed it....a PSYCHIC - she was told to pursue a relationship with the jug-eared, whingeing, cheating (in more than one sense of the...

OK, so now you can go and bore the fucking pants off your mates down the pub, cos if you hadn't worked these out for yourself yet (and frankly, if you haven't you're some sort of 'tard) we'll give you the answers just in time for your Friday night session.

1. Four Englishmen currently playing in the Premier League have been transferred for at least £7m, but have not (to date) played for England's senior side. Name them.

Kevin Davies - Southampton to Blackburn £7.5m

Nigel Reo-Coker - West Ham to Villa £8.5m

James Milner - Newcastle to Villa £12m

Anton Ferdinand - West Ham to Sunderland £8m

2. Who are the two Englands players since 1995 whose surnames begin and end with the same letter?

Paul Scholes

John Scales

3. Name 3 England players since 1990 with an X in their...

OK, so he may have proven an absolute crock at Spurs so far, leading pretty much the least effective strike-force in the Premier League thus far, but at least he has his mind fully on the job…

Or not as it seems, and this news from tribalfootball.com may well piss a lot of Spurs fans right of!

You see, not content with slumming around London earning £XX,000 to do a job that would get a lot of us sacked, Pavlyuchenko has recently been voted in as a deputy for Vladimir Putin's United Russia party. “Pav won a seat on the regional council in his home town of Stavropol, claiming 63 per cent of the vote.”

As well as heartily angering a number of North Londoners, who would probably rather Roman had his mind firmly on sticking the ball in the onion-bag rather than wanking about promo...

Yes you, you lazy git! And the challenge is simple. Find us a player from any league who has a more ridiculous middle name than Kevin Cyril Davies.

You think that was easy? Try these out for size. Found whilst browsing the programme from the England game yesterday (thanks again Dot2Dot, your leather-clad, airplane-like chauffered minibus saved me having to mix with the proles on public transport) these are 5 of the hardest posers I've ever come across (except number 4, I got that before I'd finished reading the question). Get your mates in on this, you'll need them.

1. Four Englishmen currently playing in the Premier League have been transferred for at least £7m, but have not (to date) played for England's senior side. Name them.

2. Who are the two Englands players since 1995 whose surnames begin and end with the same letter?

...