A former hero of mine, and once perhaps the most lauded talismanic talent in the top flight of English Football – precocious Zimbabwean winger Peter Ndlovu has hit a new low this week, fleeing from the law in South Africa after failing to appear in court over a maintenance battle with his ex-wife.

Notorious womaniser Peter had told the court that he was ‘probably’ not the father of singer Sharon Dee’s two sons, and promptly refused to take a paternity test, his lawyer claiming “that the Thanda Zulu Royals player could not afford to pay for them.” A DNA paternity test in South Africa costs about £182 for one child and the alleged father.

Sharon Dee divorced Ndlovu in November las...

That's because videos like this are created. Never have I seen such a fine sight of large breasted, tiny hotpanted babes flinging themselves about in mud looking finer than FINE...

This gentleman - is the beautiful game.

ENjoy! 

It's been a while since we talked WAG, but that doesn't mean they haven't been busy.

Cheryl Cole's been climbing some hill, while Ashley threw a hissy fit at a copper, but now she's back she's telling us to leave him alone. Apparently he's 'not very strong and this is doing him no good at all'. And having your wife fight your battles for you makes you look like such a big strong man, Ashley? Seriously, maybe it's to detract from the *horrible* performance he put in last Wednesday for England.

Alex Curran has been spending more of Stevie G's hard-earned Scouse Dollars, and this time she's decided to get her kids involved. Taking your 5- and 2-year olds to...

She may have a dubious face and teeth that wouldn’t look out of place in a horse’s mouth – but ‘World class swordsman’ Cristiano Ronaldo’s new girlfriend is undoubtedly fit- as the buxom Brazilian slag, otherwise known as Gabriela, is a gym instructor.

Word is that the liaison has been progressing for nearly a month now, but a report in Spanish paper Sport, however, suggests the relationship will be meeting a swift conclusion, if the wishes of her father Jadson are fulfilled. You see, Gaby’s policeman father has taken exception to the Manchester Utd star, ordering him to “stay her from her and keep your hands off”. No mention of lusty cock th...

Have a look at this fella

Now imagine him not in football shirt, but down the pub. Wouldn't look twice would you ladies?

Now look at this fine filly

Now tell me they make a perfect couple.

This is Alex Bruce (son of Steve and truly shit footballer. Alex, not Steve. He was a legend) and Lindsey Strutt (some kind of Northern slaggy-type bird). Talk about digging for gold.

And as a bonus, here she is at 'work'

If so it seems you're not alone, at least amongst the people of Inverness. There have been over 1000 adverts for sexual liaisons on an unnamed site, according to the Highland Times, including one cheeky Celtic chappie who wanted to romp with a ravishing Rangers wriggler during the recent Old Firm game.

This is what Dark Side is all about. Tell us your stories about getting with the enemy. Have you ever bedded a Blackburn beauty just so you could puke in her handbag? Seduced a smokin' Stoke guy so you could leave him a present in his shoe? What about seeing a bloke's Liverpool tattoo and promptly removing all privileges? Let us know and you too could be big news in the Highland Times (you know you want to).

Rumours abound over in Deutschland that former national coach Michael Skibbe is being blackmailed over some photos on a stolen mobile that involve him, his missus and a game of Hunt the Bratwurst.

Reported on the Bild site, Skibbe had his phone nicked along with a sat nav and 6 tickets for Bayer Leverkusen v. Besiktas* from his motor (predictably a Merc). A policewoman then contacted Skibbe demanding 160,000Euros in return for the phone. The sting that Skibbe planned went wrong when the package with the money probably because 'The suspects probably noticed a police car nearby' (no inside knowledge there then). With planning like that, is it any wonder they lost two World Wars?

Anyway, the blackmailers were...

With the credit crunch in full swing, everyone losing their jobs and money in short supply it’s time to cut out the little luxuries in life. Heinz tomato ketchup products will lose out to the supermarket own brand alternative, there’s no room for Fox’s biscuits any more – and word is that the bottom is literally falling out of the Brazilian transsexual hooker market.

So with these er... be-jewlled hookers in mind, it is with some delight that I can announce that Ronaldo's much anticipated comeback could happen earlier than expected – presumably furnishing his bank account with some well needed cash for those lovely ‘girls’.

Because you see - apparently Ronaldo will be on the bench for Corinthians' Brazilian Cup match against Itumbiara on Wednesday, and his coach said the veteran striker was likely to enter the match sometime in the second half.

"He is ready to play 45 minutes and my inte...

Love him or hate him, or suggest that he's pretty much the best footballer ever to grace the Premiership - there's no doubt that Cristiano Ronaldo has been known to fling himself to ground a touch easier than many other players in the league.

Or conversely that despite his magnificent talent, he's a whinging little cheating fu*k

I'm saying nothing (ahem) as it's a Friday and I'm too busy preparing for tomorrow's exciting clash with Watford (oh dear)... Here's a video, apparently made by Unknowngenius1985 - that investigates a number of his techniques....

Thought you may want to see it..Oh - and watch out if you have sensitive ears, as the music backing does contain MANY profanities...

It seems that David Beckham’s up for a rollicking, balls out, stiff upper something good time when he finally shifts his tired old legs over to AC Milan – as connexion.org report that there’s a whole lot of prostitution going on in Italian football...

Discussing an article reported in national ‘haterag’, The Daily Mail, they say that a male hooker, who is also a 3^rd division footballer, says other players pay him for sex after games. The prostitute, who prefers to go by the moniker of "Victory" says that the gay sex romps take place in locker rooms, hotels, etc.

Boasting of a big client list that includes a number of Serie A, and even internationally renowned players – he says "we're talking about more than just kissing"! Alledging that a number of the players involved have...