Anyone got any money on which Premiership Christmas Party is going to lead to most rape allegations this Xmas? We suggest Big Phil Scolari may have some on his own boys, as he’s recently banned the horny pair of Didier Drogba and Nicolas Anelka from attending Lil’ Wayne/ Akon’s big Christmas party taking place in Christmas week, no doubt ensuring that the boys will be hammering some piece of cheap capital hooker (who are relying on footballers, as the credit crunch is biting hard) come their own party paid for by the big-money boys at Stamford Bridge.

It’s a shame for them, as it sounds like the shindig is going to be big news – with the rappers even importing snow from Greenland to give it a real festive feel. An anonymous source suggested that "The footballers were really up for a big night out but the bosses have said no", ensuring that they won’t be hobnobbing with the likes ...

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Just a quick one. News from our second favourite source (after the bloke down the pub) OneIndia. They report that Girls Aloud, which is where DSOTB fave Cheryl Cole plies her trade (when she's not whingeing on the X Factor), have recently launched an initiative to teach kids how to look after their dogs. Like I said...insert own headline.Read Post »

OK, so Little William Gallas isn't a happy bunny. But mate, fetch the toys back into the pram and retrieve your dummy from wherever it was spat to. Man the fuck up and deal with it.

So there's one player at Arsenal who is causing disruption. Dressing room rifts. Responsible for the other players not 'fighting' as hard as they could (not Martin 'Apeman' Keown then). But don't just fanny around, point the finger, expose the bastard.

And not content with that, a certain 'S' on the French national team isn't pulling...

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We know those wags are a nasty bunch... but picking on a widowed ginger lass with buck teeth!

Ok, the wags in question, one Carly Zucker and Nicola, err, something the fuck, maybe didn't actually mean to make her cry and weren't actually picking on her. But that would be boring, right? Well, I only saw literally two minutes and I have to say, these wags are not my type. Even reduced to jungle slacks and so desperate for a champagne and a night at China Whites, to offer them a lemonade in a flute glass and flash a torch behind them would defo result in a blowy I couldn't do it - well maybe if Spurs had lost. Fucking Fulham, fucking Gomes, fucking Gareth Bale and his god damn hair... I'd just got used to winning! See Mr. Hotspur for the deets and a controversial perspective on that clown we currently have employed between...

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How he managed that is a complete mystery, but apparently some bird wants to move in with the convicted thug.

Now it's not for us to say that all WAGs are empty-headed, cotton-wool-for-brains, ill-educated bimbettes, but seriously. Georgia McNeil (sorry, no pic yet) really 'needs her head read' - and that a direct quote from 'a pal'.

Not only was Barton convicted of the attack outside McDonald's in Liverpool and served his time, but he has a rap sheet longer than Gary Pennant! Ousmane Dabo should send her a message warning her about Joey when he loses his head. And that trainee at Man City should send a message about when he sparks up a stogie. And lots more that have gone unreported, by all accounts.

So, Georgia, keep your eyes...

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Step forward Antonio Cassano. Legend.

Not content with slagging off every Italian coach under the sun in his new book (out in time for Christmas in all good bookshops, and some rubbish ones), he also reveals his sexploits in explicit detail. OK, you've bagged 'between 600 and 700' women. Well done.

What is quite funny though, is the truly Dark Side was in which he swapped whatever girl he'd shagged in the team hotel with a waiter - and all for a few cream-filled croissants. Genius. Meet girl, shag girl, get bored of girl, swap girl for pastry-based snacks...the 'perfect night' as he puts it. And now he's very much in love with a water polo player...who's...

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Get to the back of the queue, sunshine.

Serial home wrecker and recently 'enhanced' Loos has emerged as saying that our Cheryl, darling of the X Factor (whatever that is), is the 'most beautiful woman alive'. Thanks to the (possibly lady)boys at Thaindian news for that one.

Not content with nearly wrecking the marriage of David and Victoria (hallowed be thy names), she is now busting the moves on another married person. MUch as I'd like to see Cashley get his overpaid, smug, pig-ugly face pushed in it, and whilst the thought of Rebecca and Cheryl up a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G will 'entertain' me for 10 minutes later, this behavious really isn't on.

She has blatantly picked the hottest talent on the scene right now (it could as easily have...

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What better place for Carly Zucker than deep(ish) in the Australian outback, miles from anywhere (sort of), surrounded by snakes and rats - and that's just the contestants.

Joe Cole's WAG is rumoured to be heading into the jungle, along with other failures such as Carol 'No job' Vordermann and Esther 'big in the '80s' Rantzen to face the maggots Ant and Dec. Can you seriously see her putting her (possibly Botoxed, we couldn't comment) moon-like face in a box full of spiders? And getting along with Dani Behr, who after all was the original WAG?

Well, if she gets...

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You heard me right. Far from trying to emulate his fellow South American counterparts in some exotic bedroom gymnastics (Cristiano Ronaldo bedding numerous birds in a week, and Fat Ronaldo's 'shit-they're-blokes!' episodes spring to mind), that bloke whose name sounds like a French kid needing a shit has announced that everyone should wait until their wedding night before scoring the ultimate goal.

Yes Darksiders, a Brazilian footballer in 'No sex' shocker, well, at least until he'd married his sweetheart, and according to a quote on Goal.com, it was all the sweeter for it. This guy obviously has jelly for brains, because it's plain to see that whilst she had...

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Ready for a two-pronged attack on our favourite Girl Aloud? Cover your ears Number8, you're not going to like this (our very own Number8 recently attended a GA gig at Warwick Castle...did I say that out loud? Ooops!).

Prong one - Our Cheryl initially was of excatly the same mindset as 99% of the country in that when she first met him, she thought Ashley Cole was a wanker. Well done, Cheryl. He heckled her at a house party, presumably in his attempts to woo her, by conjuring up such witticisms and bons mots as 'Nice bum' and 'Hey, hot lips'. Oscar Wilde was predictably NOT turning in his grave. She told him to piss off, but on further consultation with a psychic - I'll say that again for those who may have missed it....a PSYCHIC - she was told to pursue a relationship with the jug-eared, whingeing, cheating (in more than one sense of the...

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