Shock news from John Lichfield of the Independent. Up to one in six professional footballists tested in a recent 'hair opinion poll' were found to have traces of drugs in samples ripped unjustly from their scalps (Fabien Barthez managed to avoid this test).

The main nose candy of choice appeared to be DHEA, which builds muscle but doesn't linger in the urinary system, but does stay in hair. 7 out of 32 players from the French League's top echelons were found to be cheating. That's 21.8%! Over 1/5th! And they aren't going to be named. Why? Why? Why?

Imagine if this was the Premier League. There'd be outrage! There'd be tabloid rage! There'd be public calls for someone to resign! But no, it's France, land of the cheese-eating surrender monkeys, and...

Like son like father it would seem. I knew he was from bad stock the moment I saw him. It's the eyes. Jermaine Pennant has 'dead' eyes, ones that could stare at a copper and plead total innocence, despite the evidence wrapped round a tree down the road.

And now it comes as no surprise whatsoever that Mr. Gary Pennant is set for jail. Exposed earlier this year by The Sun as a drug dealer peddling crack and heroine, and he's set for a custodial sentence after pleading guilty last week at Nottingham Crown Court. That'll make two of them who have stayed at Her Majesty's hotels, they should be getting a family discount. I bet Granny Pennant is proud.

Will Jermaine get to swipe his...

So 30 of the most cossetted, highly paid, highly strung, precocious, possibly talented (depending on your point of view) individuals in the country might - and this is just a *might* - have to let someone know where they are for one hour of every day of the year, and it's an 'invasion of civil liberties'!? Fuck off!

The PFA have criticised the new WADA initiative invading 'the privacy' of an elite selection of the Premier League's top stars.  Surely, SURELY, this will avoid anone calling foul of players 'forgetting' a drugs test (are you listening, Rio?) If the dudes can show at your house, any day, any time, so what? You're being paid potentially upwards of £100, 000 a WEEK to play football. Why moan about this? What on earth do you have to hide? Seriously, what? Is it a cellar full of Slovak plumbers? Room after room of Thai brides? A...

OK, Best was phenomenal on the pitch.

I would hazard a guess that in most British peoples' opinion he was better than Maradona at football. But who's the naughtiest?

There's some great quotes by George Best:"I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered" and "I used to go missing a lot - Miss Canada, Miss UK, Miss World."

But drinking your way to an early grave is a bit soft, when compared to filling your entire head with class A drugs. And let's not forget, Diego Maradona is from South America, so the snow he ploughs up his conk is 'A star' shit.

I can't decide whether Diego's denial of Diego Jnr (how can he...

First time I read this I thought it was a joke. A massive, really poor taste joke. Even though I knew the date I checked the calendar to see it wasn't the beginning of April. But no, it seems that it's serious, and I mean serious.

Massive coke head and 'shit-he's-four-times-the-size-he-used-to-be' World Cup cheat Diego Maradona is rumoured to be signing for Inter Milan. To play? I think not. To coach? Give me a break. He's apparently going to be the South American scout - this the man who once played for Boca Juniors, and who still goes to their games. I'm not sure Inter are quite going to get the broad range of talent they hoped, and I'd be checking for Boca tattoos on any young blokes he sends over for trials.

The place: Blackpool

The crime: Drug debts

The solution: a stun gun?

Part time footballist Lee Broadbent - well known around Blackpool as a bit part player - is about to go down in circumstances worthy of a BBC3 comedy-drama.

They've pled guilty, so no need for the dreaded 'allegedly' here. Broadbent and his associate, one Calum Holmes, took the victim hostage in a car on a trading estate, and proceeded to assault him using a stun gun, all over a bad drug debt.  They've been told by the judge that they will receive...