Unlike me old mucker JakkyBarbituates who claimed in the last article that he is in no way a Man U fan, I - TheManc - most definitely am. And to redress the balance in the slurring of my soon to be double-winning heroes, here's something from the warm up against some poor saps we trounced.

So the biggest unofficial Ronaldo Facebook page has been shut down. Because it was unofficial. Erm...freedom of speech?

Let's set aside the fact that the guy who ran it spent 'six or seven hours' EVERY day updating his page with Ronaldo facts, and really, REALLY should have found something else to do. But everyone's got to have a hobby, right? Some people are chronic masturbators (although to be fair, maybe he dabbled a bit while he 'updated'), others turn to mass murder, but Kunwar Ali devoted his spare time to his hero. Fair play to him. Was he hurting anybody?

So, Kunwar, if you're out there, reading this, get in touch and you can write on Darkside. We'll give you a guest slot, so you can vent all your devotion right here. If anyone can get a message to Kunwar, please do, one of his 3 million fans...

She may have a dubious face and teeth that wouldn’t look out of place in a horse’s mouth – but ‘World class swordsman’ Cristiano Ronaldo’s new girlfriend is undoubtedly fit- as the buxom Brazilian slag, otherwise known as Gabriela, is a gym instructor.

Word is that the liaison has been progressing for nearly a month now, but a report in Spanish paper Sport, however, suggests the relationship will be meeting a swift conclusion, if the wishes of her father Jadson are fulfilled. You see, Gaby’s policeman father has taken exception to the Manchester Utd star, ordering him to “stay her from her and keep your hands off”. No mention of lusty cock th...

....right into a disabled parking spot. What a fucking clown. As much as I admire his footballing skills (yes he dives occasionally, but he gets kicked all over every pitch he plays on), I simply cannot condone the arse-laziness and plain rudeness of parking in a disabled parking spot.

All so he could go for lunch. In January he got a £70 ticket for parking in a bus stop to go to the same Italian restaurant. Maybe Macclesfield council should have a sliding scale for these things. He sure as shit wouldn't park there if he got fined £7000. Or maybe he would...

Love him or hate him, or suggest that he's pretty much the best footballer ever to grace the Premiership - there's no doubt that Cristiano Ronaldo has been known to fling himself to ground a touch easier than many other players in the league.

Or conversely that despite his magnificent talent, he's a whinging little cheating fu*k

I'm saying nothing (ahem) as it's a Friday and I'm too busy preparing for tomorrow's exciting clash with Watford (oh dear)... Here's a video, apparently made by Unknowngenius1985 - that investigates a number of his techniques....

Thought you may want to see it..Oh - and watch out if you have sensitive ears, as the music backing does contain MANY profanities...

Well just as we thought the Respect campaigns had spilled off the field and our footy boys weren't going to get up to anything naughty this season, a rash of bad behaviour has struck. Firstly Carlton Cole - was he drunk? If he wasn't what the hell was he doing driving round at that time in the morning? Finely tuned athletes my arse. Hope Zola gave him a proper bollocking.

Now it seems that Everton's Steven Pienaar is on bail following an alleged assault on a Liverpool woman in a flat in the city over the weekend. Here's what I think will happen. This Sunday, big story in the News Of The World, player disappears for a week to the reserves, slapper gets tabloid cash, charges quietly dropped. It happened to Ronaldo, it happened to Jonny Evans, heck, it even happened to David Sullivan (Birmingham co-owner) this week.

Once again, slappers one, footballer nil. Nice work love.*

…according to this story in the News Of The World anyway. She charges 2 grand a night, or £460 for an hour’s quickie. So by our reckoning, we only need to scrape together 77 quid and we could have a go on her. Twice.

And judging by the pics below, it doesn’t take much to get her in her skimpies. She was trying to tempt the undercover reporter into getting it on with her and a fellow ‘professional’, and (like a massive dick fool idiot imbecile) he declined. He also turned down her very kind offer of some Grade A nose candy too. Talk about missing an opportunity*!

So the Winking One will have some hard thinking to do now that a national tabloid has exposed his belo...

"Meester Alex Ferguson sir - I have eeaten the dodgy bacalhau again (that's the unofficial national dish of Portugal by the way). I shall be back een a meenute" I imagine comes the cry from the pint-sized Portugese playmaker Ronaldo as he takes a moment out of training at Carrington to dash to the toilet. A perfectly acceptable situation you may think, and one which no doubt leaves the grizzled scotsman shaking his head with mirth and telling the youngster to watch his diet.

End of story - not at all, because while Rio Ferdinand couldn't remember to pop to the urinal to save nine months of his career, have you ever stopped to think about just how much Ronaldo earns every time he shits?

Because when you take into account his purported 120k a week...