OK, prepare yourselves for United-fuelled rant (after giving you all a good 24 hours to have a proper go at the Champions of the Planet).

The Fat Spanish Waiter has finally lost it, blaming Liverpool's lack of success against Middlesbrough firmly on the fact that Torres wasn't playing. Well, Rafa, one player does not a team make, and if you want to rely on one (admittedly extremely gifted) effeminate Spaniard so be it. You see most successful European teams have s-q-u-a-d-s of players they can draw on when their main guys are injured/tired/emotional. Blaming an entire season's downfall on one dodgy ankle.

Well, when in Liverpool, act Scouse, I suppose. *Nothing* is *ever* the fault of *anyone* in Lesser Liverpool. Tripped and fallen when out of your skull on stolen alcopops? Go back...

Don’t be cockin’ ridiculous! There is no way that you can count the FIFA Club Cup as part of this mystical quintuple you’re looking to achieve. Just look at how delighted Park Ji-Sun is at this 'career defining' moment... Ahem. True, you are no doubt the best team in Britain, possibly Europe – and maybe the world… But don’t diminish your real achievements (i.e. smashing up the Premier League) by continuing to give any credence to a cup which saw you overcome no more than the collective might of LDU Quito and Gamba Osaka to take the crown.

That is all…

Love him or hate him, or suggest that he's pretty much the best footballer ever to grace the Premiership - there's no doubt that Cristiano Ronaldo has been known to fling himself to ground a touch easier than many other players in the league.

Or conversely that despite his magnificent talent, he's a whinging little cheating fu*k

I'm saying nothing (ahem) as it's a Friday and I'm too busy preparing for tomorrow's exciting clash with Watford (oh dear)... Here's a video, apparently made by Unknowngenius1985 - that investigates a number of his techniques....

Thought you may want to see it..Oh - and watch out if you have sensitive ears, as the music backing does contain MANY profanities...

I remember at the precocious dawn of Robbie Keane's career when Alex Ferguson said that the Irish dynamo wasn’t worth 6million pounds. Indeed, that smug Scotsman suggested that ½ a million was more towards the mark, and that our Robbie would be more suited stuck in the reserves for a couple of years.

Now the smug gobshite has suggested that he doesn’t recognise City as a major threat, asking "where are they at the moment? Our threats are Chelsea and Liverpool, who are sitting above us. The money is for the future. Mark Hughes must decide how it will shape his team. At this moment in time, that is not the case."

What happened to the humility of taking every game as it comes? Especially when the Red Devils are shy of a few points at this stage of the season. I only hope that the Blues (who I have absolutely no affinity with - honest) fuck them up good and proper on Sunday! And I'l...

At least according to the Daily Mail (so it must be true). It seems that Dimitar's Dad has spent two years in the clink after a Norwegian woman identified him as part of a group of 6 (count them, six) blokes who subjected her to a sexual assault after she met the team in a hotel bar. Sound familiar?

What is it about girls who hang around in hotel bars and end up being assaulted? Or in some cases, not assaulted at all - like the money-grabbing chavvy whores who have accused amongst others Jonny Evans and Cristiano Ronaldo. And all of a sudden, when they have their £20,000 or whatever for selling their story to some sleazy tabloid, they suddenly drop the charges and decide they weren't 'brutally raped and humiliated'. Funny that.

Anyway, back...

…according to this story in the News Of The World anyway. She charges 2 grand a night, or £460 for an hour’s quickie. So by our reckoning, we only need to scrape together 77 quid and we could have a go on her. Twice.

And judging by the pics below, it doesn’t take much to get her in her skimpies. She was trying to tempt the undercover reporter into getting it on with her and a fellow ‘professional’, and (like a massive dick fool idiot imbecile) he declined. He also turned down her very kind offer of some Grade A nose candy too. Talk about missing an opportunity*!

So the Winking One will have some hard thinking to do now that a national tabloid has exposed his belo...

Thanks to the guys at Football365 who have brought it to our attention that the latest, greatest signing for The Mighty Reds has told Sir Alex that he won't cause any disciplinary trouble for the Great Scot.

The reason? He doesn't swear and carries his Bible with him everywhere he goes. Let's see how he gets on with the potty-mouthed Rooney, then, cos we all know we don't need lip readers when a decision goes against him! He says he's fallen off the rails in his earlier days, but now he's a reformed chap, born again...whatever. Villa365 has it right in the comments section of the post when he says 'he might as well carry the Beano round with him, it's all a load of bollocks'. Well said sir. Or madam.

So will all this new-found enlightenment ensure Berbs...

"Meester Alex Ferguson sir - I have eeaten the dodgy bacalhau again (that's the unofficial national dish of Portugal by the way). I shall be back een a meenute" I imagine comes the cry from the pint-sized Portugese playmaker Ronaldo as he takes a moment out of training at Carrington to dash to the toilet. A perfectly acceptable situation you may think, and one which no doubt leaves the grizzled scotsman shaking his head with mirth and telling the youngster to watch his diet.

End of story - not at all, because while Rio Ferdinand couldn't remember to pop to the urinal to save nine months of his career, have you ever stopped to think about just how much Ronaldo earns every time he shits?

Because when you take into account his purported 120k a week...

...must go to the Red Devil parachutist who MISSED THE PITCH at Burnley's Turf Moor on Saturday in an Olympic-sized fuck up. The 'spectacular' displays promised by the offical site of the adrenaline junkie dicks turned into what can only be described as a farce, when one of the clowns ended up on the roof of one of the stands. Which delayed the match, and became even funnier when the fire engine that turned up to rescue him couldn't get close enough due to parked cars. Only in this country....Carry On Up The Clarets. And in a rare DSOTB moment, we bring you...

In Yesterday's dullathon of a community, err... Charity Shield, pretty much nothing happened bar Darren Fletcher stumbling over the ball like a kid with a fat tongue and speech impediment stumbling over his words at a poetry recital.

There was however a, ahem... storm of discussion over our favourite caveman currently plying is trade in the Premiership, stamping like the supermodel he so nearly was on the leg of a helpless, and to be honest, hapless...