............Breaking News: Peter Lawwell states that he will spend the Seville money............Breaki

 Last Tango In Paris

Like last pre-season our CEO seems to have been making use of Ryan Airs cheap flights to Paris to meet agents and other imaginary reps of players that Celtic will never sign.

Apart from the 'last gasp' meeting with

Some Shitanta Employees With New Jobs. Yesterday.

The SPL is staring into the abyss. With Shitanta going bust clubs are looking forward to the new season with all the fanfare of a Vuvuzela with toilet roll stuffed up its blow hole.

In other quarters though, the fact that Scott Booth is signing...

After biding a stratospheric £3.8m for Marc-Antoine Fortune many in the Celtic World were wondering if the Biscuit Tin had been prized open to win back their league crown.

Most will be disappointed- but not surprised- to learn that Celtic's budget will be supplemented by selling one of their most valuable...

Our Survey said:

Hull City seem to have dealt an early hammer blow to Celtic's summer rebuilding plans by signing...

Mark Venus. Plus Agent.

As Mark Venus spoke about Champion League Qualifiers, Scott Brown and being Tony Mowbray's assistant it was when the legends he worked with at Hartlepool, Leicester and Dagenham and Redbridge were mentioned that brought a sparkle to the Monkey Hangers eye.

But...

Celtic, will try and get a South American solution to their goal scoring problems after reports in Venezuela claim that they are after the countries top football superstar. The deal could be pushed through quickly as Celtic know how well South Americans adapt to the SPL.

The players agent, yesterday, didn't fax, any ambiguous quotes, which were exclusive to all newspapers but we fully expect Pablo D Loafernsocks to release a...

Celtic boss Tony Mowbray is looking to sort out his striking problems by signing a player linked by lazy journalism as predictable as the inflated price that we would need to pay for him.

The players agent, yesterday, faxed, no ambiguous quotes that would have been exclusive to all newspapers.

Steven Fletcher, 22 year old striker (who has a passion for tattoos) was linked due...

Celtic manager Tony Mowbray is expected to solve the problematic left back slot by signing a player that Celtic were linked with before he moved to his current club and are being credited with a current interest on that basis.

Reports in France and Germany, yesterday, were made exclusive to all broadcasters that are owned by Rupert Murdoch and the player gave them an ambiguous quote.

 A Young Guru. Many Moons Ago.

Inspired. The new Celtic messiah was unveiled to global acclaim in a scene that- I reckon- would be befitting of The Second Coming. We have had Blair-mania and Obama-mania, now we have Mogga-mania...

Celtic gaffer, Tony Mowbray, will sort out Celtic's striking problems by potentially signing a Chilean wonder-kid who impressed during The Toulon Tournament.

The players agent has not been tracked down by The Sun yet, so there is no quotes, but the story is based on a Celtic scout being seen watching some games in France.

Eduardo Vargas Jesus...