The Lord Of The Wing

A Wednesday GIRUY! With Highlights

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:11:54 +0200

With Scotland is gripped by Armageddon type weather- causing the auld boy next door to ask me if I have any spare wood for the ark he is building- it was a pleasure to get some sunshine and bask in the warm glow of expected European Failure.

No wins in 9 Big Cup games is a club record round Govan way and one that will warm the cockles of asset strippers in Armani suits, with briefcases who constantly check their blackberrys on trains.

Having not had the pleasure of watching their third straight home defeat I have been told- by sources I trust - that relegation threatened Stuttgart gubbed and out-classed The Establishment.

Not that we should gloat. Our European record this season is as bad as any Eastern European Euro-vision entry sung by 15 stone transvestite in a party dress. We will be joining them looking in the European window soon.

Both teams European records much like Harry Potter books make grim reading. The Establishments systematic dismissile from a group they were confident of qualifying from makes our domestic woes more worrying.

You see, whisper this, they have not lost a game in the league since March. They also have not lost an away game since November last year. An impressive record if you forget that it took a collapse from us on a massive scale for them to still win the title.

Both clubs are dropping points like confetti. We now have a worrying trend that while the tail end of last season had more draws than Tony Hart this season has seen us already record 50% of last seasons total league losses.

Under performing doesn't describe it.

Unrating The Players: Rip It Up Edition

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 20:14:37 +0200

So, Dundee Utd are celebrating a historic win. There first win against us in 10 years - there's your gulf in class - when they inflicted John Barnes first defeat in a reign that is often referred to as ill-fated but when compared to today's was actually not that bad.

The usual rubbish or excuses if you like have been trotted out. Barry Robson talks up Herculean United by saying it was always going to be a hard place to go and laughably says they almost beat Barcelona when fondly remembering his time there.

He will soon be back there.

The meeja have been fawning over themselves dreaming -like 13 year olds who dream that their art teacher keeps them behind for detention- that Herculean United could win the league.

I will stand by my assessment. They are the most unrefined and robust troop Levein has assembled and his last two better teams ended up behind Aberdeen.

Go figure.

Cool Hand Luka 1

Like Kerry Katona you like to be close to a line.

Hinkel 5

You look like Chris Martin from Coldplay with your longer hair. Your performance was a bit yellow.

Heid 0

Gary is like cheese wire. It can cut cheese but also be used to strangle the will to live from people.

Loovens 0

When that lorry driver throws that crumpled 20 Euro note into the urinal you will look back on this day as where it all went wrong.

Fox 5

Unlike Basil Brush your performance didn't need a hand up your arse directing you.

McGeady 7

Showed no effects of that gruelling 10 minute cameo in Paris. Gutted his brothers went out the X-factor I hear.

Landry 8

Managed to get his £19,000 Eto watch out of Dundee without it being stolen. Some feat it's Junkie Central up there.

Crosas 8

If you were an Iberian hotel your customer reviews would read excellent food, drink and service.

Robson 7

Played well despite looking like your brain is made of sawdust.

Skippy 0

You know that old tale that if you sit on your hand long enough for it to go numb and then pleasure yourself with that hand it feels like someone else is doing it?

Do you think if we sat on Skippy until he went numb that he would think he was someone else?

Fortune -1

Less presence than a SuBo stage show. She has learning difficulties though. What's your excuse?

Subbies

Sammy 1

If you sat on Sammy long enough he would pay you £10 for the pleasure.

McGinn 0

Ferret little time. Geddit?

The Manager 0

Some people want you given the Scotland job as punishment. It looks like you have spunked all your budget on a striker that makes that already poor area 10 times worse.

The younger golden generation who have been brought up on success see you as John Barnes, who statistically you have surpassed in ineptness. Some feat but salvation is just round the corner.

A few personal sacrifices at the alter of the PLC is the way to go. Get your kids puppy and take it to the next board meeting. Rip it's head off and drink it's blood. While they are recovering from the shock, wheel in Peter Grant who will be wrapped in tin foil and attached to a plug. Plug him in the nearest socket.

Last but not least, put addressed envelopes in front of the board members saying that you know where they live and that you have some free time to take car of their pets and children.

That should get you a few million.

United We Don't Stand.

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 17:09:02 +0200

Can we not have more International breaks? They certainly make you forgot the woefulness and pain club football brings when it returns.

There has been some weeks that I have been wondering if watching oor mob is worth 90 minutes of my life. There is other things such as kite flying, hedge trimming in the rain, shopping with the Mrs, allowing the CIA to waterboard you or sticking a thermometer up your rectum that would have been more enjoyable than some of the fare we have suffered.

Today wasn't one of those days when I reached for the CIA's telephone number. Today was one of those games that oor mob showed a bit of substance, which makes you comeback for more, makes you think we could be onto something.

Of course the wilful and almost gleeful commitment of the players to self destruct makes you think that your delusional, deranged and off yer rocker for trying to take anything positive from this bunch of charlatans.

I find it easier to if you set your expectation level as low as a snakes belly.

Our under pressure manager said there was a massive gulf between the teams and we dominated for 85 of the 90 minutes. While his statement is as OTT as a Cheryl Cole dress the better team did lose and only those with an agenda can argue- and will argue- anything different.

We set the pace of the game, we dominated the game and dictated the flow and the ebb which was all towards the United goal. It wasn't great, it wasn't vintage but remember my lowered sights? We struggled in the 2nd half to reach the low heights we achieved in the first but were still the most likely.

All the best players on show were Celtic players but so were some poor and- more importantly - very anonymous ones.

I'm not going to beat the drum listing oor mobs failings. That drum has been hit more times than Lars Ulrich bass drum. Let's look at the bigger failing.

Two away games in a row, when our performances haven't been great, with 10 minutes to go we have had our noses in front. Good teams, champion teams dig that out. Good players get that sniff of blood and see the game through.

We lack leaders. We lack characters. That has been lacking since January this year.

Throwing away 5 points to teams whose players are lucky not to be saying do you want fries with that our visiting their parole officers every Friday is something to worry about.

2 wins in 10 games, against bottom feeders Hamilton and Kilmarnock, makes it hard not to just see this as a bad day at the office as it would have been seen if we weren't making our worst league start for 10 years.

Lets not make a drama out of a crisis.

To hell, it's a blog...let the drama commence.

Le Petit Merde United

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 13:10:20 +0200

I was thrown back to a dark day this week. No, not the day that Bryan Adams went to number one with Everything I do but that day when Le Petit Merde signed for the darkside.

Showing that our border controls are not tight enough he wandered back into the country to be inducted into the SFA Hall of Fame with Celtic Legends Maley, Delaney, Auld and Lambert. Unsure why he was being inducted on the same day as them, surely they don't see him as a Celtic Legend?

We all know he is brazen hussy. That chapter of his life proved that he doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as decent human beings and that he breathes air at all is a blemish on society. Still, it didn't stop him romanticising the moment he proved to the world that he had the morales of a sewer rat and a brain that looks like the inside of an elephants scrotum.

He said I signed for R*ngers in a pavement cafe in Paris. Only the Beast and Campbell Ogilivie were there. I think the Beast kept the pen. Sounds like a paragraph from a Catherine Cookson novel just before the stable boy takes the leading lady from behind in the hay shed.

Still, I suppose he has to paint pretty colours on what was the high point of his huns career. It was downhill as soon as he signed. He was hated by all Glesga and wound down his career at Falkirk and Hearts pissing on his reputation as a decent player as it went.

Showing less decency than a tramps vest means that his career is remembered for one damp patch on his chinos and not numerous medals and goals.

The 80's. Big hair, shit music (discounting New Order, The Mary Chain and The Smiths) ZX Spectrums and Dundee Utd being a decent side despite being run by a dictator whose ways made North Korea blush.

They were also an ugly bunch with lookers like McAlpine, Hegarty, Sturrock and Dodds raised to keep weans away from fires. Some speak in hushed tones that those days are returning under the current favourite of the Scottish press.

This favourite has lost out on European places in the last two seasons to the joke that is Jimmy Calderwood. Sure he knows a player, it seems.

Damien Casalinovo is an Argentinian he found wander round Kirkcaldy looking for Raith and he already discovered failed Coming To America character Prince Bauben who instead of heading to Queens was found in Cowdenbeath.

This team from what I have seen of them is probably the least refined he has built. They seem to lack the football of previous incarnations but that has been replaced with more hard work and robustness.

Our previous encounter saw us go a goal behind then completely dominate play. If it wasn't for a wrongly disallowed goal and a not given penalty then we would have won the game at a canter, which is not something we have previously done for a few seasons.

We have a defensive crisis. Of course we have one when all our centre backs are fit but this crisis sees only Caldwell and Sloth from The Goonies, Josh Thompson to his mother, as an available pairing.

Out we have Loovens, Mick, Maloney, Brown and Boruc (whose national coach advised him to get back to his natural weight, which surely is double decker bus size?) and some are welcome absentees.

I'm calling for an extra man in the middle and defo starts for McGinn and Crosas. The lone striker role is one for MAF who is feeling good and it won't be long until he is back to normal as the masses wonder what his normal is.

No matter the delay Falkirk still leaves a bad taste and we need a reaction from the 11 Hoopy Heroes on the park.

Lets Add Visual Aids To The Rumour Mill.

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 10:54:45 +0200

It's a sad day when the made up nonsense of the E-Timothy's Rumour Mill makes depressing reading but these are the times we live in.

So without even the slightest attempt to pass these rumours of as my own here is video delights to only add to the disappointment when it turns out to be complete and utter rubbish.

Keita Suzuki is described as a natural holding midfielder which means that You Tube footage of his best sideward passes are hard to find. Above is his appearance of the Japanese version of This Is Your Life with a far better looking presenter than Michael Parkinson.

Forward to 2 mins in for some red hot action.

Ilan Araújo Dall'Igna a Brazilian striker with an Italian passport (unsure why that is important but I felt the need to put it in) currently playing for St Etienne. 25 goals in 95 games in Ligue 1 backs up the assertion that he knows how to put the ball in the back of the net and adds weight to the view that BTM watches a lot of French football.

We all ride this rocket. The score is we give them Aiden or Broonie, get our Irish benefactor to stump up his weekly wage and Keane ends up in the Hoops. Good friend Harry Hotspurs expert opinion is that Keane has had a decrease in pace and a comparatively weak shot.

Petter Hansson a no-nonsense centre back is another one plying his trade in France. Is France the new Leith?

Florin Costea a Romanian striker plying his trade in his home country. Must be good as he has a best off you tube selection. Top scorer in the Romanian Liga 1 last season with 17 goals.

In The Name Of The Gaul

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 19:10:02 +0200

I pictured FIFA suits whooping and cheering- like those evil Scotrail knobjockies who see a little a bit of rain as good reason for it taking you 3 hours to get home from Glasgow by terminating your train at a station that costs you £16 in a taxi to get home from after they say they were hopeful a bus would turn up to take you to your destination- when all WC Qualifiers were done and dusted the other night.

Job done. 17 of the top 20 teams in the world qualified and all the TV Eyes of the big nations. Would they rather have had an audience of 4.2m or between 60m and 70m? No brainer.

Hell, they even got a fall guy.

French Manager Terry Henry gave us La Mein De Dieu killing off any future hope that his brand sells when his career ends and a moment he gained infamy on Maradona scale.

On a laptop screen I saw the Hand Of Gaul, Swede Martin Hansson, who looked like a gay cowboy, decided that him and his assistants didn't. I'm sure it was listed in the footnotes of FIFA's guidence that he doesn't see any incident that will disadvantage revenue streams.

It's with warped logic that I will look at Eduardo Da Silva and Henry. I see both as different but both cases when fitted in the bigger picture show the corruption and end game of the football authorities.

While Eduardo was deceitful I see nothing wrong in a player making the most of a situation if a big galoot of a defender or goalie gives them the opportunity. Henry showed a slight of hand not seen since Michael Jordan or a high class escort with a defrocked MP.

Pardon my French by it was fucking cheating of the highest order.

The end game.

The Big Cup this year changed rules to allow smaller teams direct entry on one hand while on the other ensuring the big teams got an easier passage via qualification as they were seeded. Platini with this keeps all happy when he is pimping for votes at re-election time.

While Arsenal didn't need any help to beat us it was clearly obvious to a paranoid ridden mental case like myself that in the two games the men in the middle ensured (along with our players) the passage to the cash cow would be smooth.

The need to keep the big clubs happy was cast in stone with Eduardo-gate. The initial 2 match ban was over turned after a mysterious 30 odd page document landed on Platini's desk, from a fellow Frenchman I may add, which said that Eduardo hadn't dived and there had been contact.

I believe that the document really pointed out that all big clubs have a barrel full of cheating cunts and they would dilute the competition if they banned everyone. It played on UEFA's self interest and probably talked % drop in revenue streams and advertising if Drogba had to be banned for life.

After this document, has anyone else noticed that Arsenal seem to be getting the benefit of every contentious decision in their Big Cup games? Hand balls and offsides are being ignored and being a punter a bet that they will reach the Big Cup Final with UEFA's help is worth a few bob.

Anyway, FIFA, yes...they decided to seed the play offs when France (sponsored by Addidas who are a sponsor of the WC) and Portugal (the one man brand that is CR7) made a tit of qualifying despite being given a decent hand to start with.

Is it so wrong for the govern bodies to want the best at their parties? No, Ireland won't be missed and commentators can lock away their plucky, hard working, organised, full of fighting spirit little Ireland condensing adjectives for the next glorious failure.

South Africa has had a lucky escape in that white socked flip flopped Irish won't be trying to source Guinness.

We weren't missed in the Big Cup and won't be missed from the Europa League either.

Let's just get it out in the open. FIFA and UEFA come out and say right we want these countries/teams in and the rest of you bums can fight it out for a few places at the top table.

It would save a hell of a lot of hassle.

Noughties And Nice

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 14:01:48 +0200

Over the weekend there was a program called: "What The Noughties Gave Us" on some free to view license fee paid channel.

I'll tell you what the Noughties gave us was numerous shit list programs where Z list celebs, washed up TV Presenters and unfunny comedians talk absolute bollocks about subjects - that they have been given a list of beforehand but get asked to make it look off the cuff- that no-one cares about.

It also gave us the taste of lager soiled with carelessly disgarded fag ash when we discuss International friendlies or anything International as club football is king.

International friendlies are soulless bleak useless vessels where all shred of human emotion is sucked out of our lifeless bodies. A bit like Bridlington.

Scotland folded like a pack of cards against the Welsh School Boys select as the SFA pylon suits could only watch in wonder at a youth program that produces a Ramsey and a Ledley.

Talk afterwards that someone off the record told reporters that the Scotland team couldnae be arsed. This comes as no surprise.

I remember talking to a well oiled Scottish international at a wedding. He was a regular under Brown/Vogts and was playing in the EPL at the time. I asked him about internationals and he said couldnae give a fuck, only useful for getting more money.

I use this as a rule of thumb when I think about thinking too hard about Internationals.

Still, you would expect managers to grasp the basics of the game. Over the last 18 months we have seen things that make us think we know nothing about the game as incumbents continually play players and tactics that bemuse and don't work.

The Scotland team lined up with Fox, Caldwell and Mick. In desperation to give Fox a cap Jim Jeffries Seat Warmer ignored that his form is slightly less impressive than his commitment to body art and that Caldwell and Mick are the Cannon and Ball of defending.

It's last outing saw it ship 3 goals to the worse team in the league (now with another 3 in the against column) and it's only the fickle finger of fate (damn you, you bony dirty stick like body part ) that saw it reconvene then on that day.

Picking it again, via choice and not necessity, is a sign of a cluelessness. It is with much hope that we pray that the healing powers contained in the spa bath of Lennoxtown is warming the cockles of The Loovenator.

The Caldwell and Mick show for the sake of humanity should be put down, buried in a deep pit, petrol poured on the lifeless corpse and set alight like it is a disease ridden cow.

That's covered the bad and ugly of internationals. Let's end this sermon on a good note. Niall McGinn.

A MOTM performance against Serbia - a decent side that like all Eastern European teams have that knack of playing at walking pace but zipping through the gears when needed and who do the simple things like pass the ball to each other really well - when he took apart the Serbian fullback apart.

I was reminded of a young Joe Miller before he succumbed to inevitable average disease one which inflicts most promising Scots youngsters.

He was described as willow the wisp, a jackal and a ferret by the sound of sexually excited commentators in the Province.

At one point they mused surely clubs top clubs must looking at McGinn and be impressed.

Suitably offended I was.

Hit The Giroud

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 11:02:14 +0200

I don't know anything about the standard of play in the French Ligue 2. A paper seems to think that our under pressure gaffer does.

Olivier Giroud is a 23 year old hitman who has caught the attention of several European clubs. According to the paper that is known for exclusive scoops as it taps telephones Celts manager Mogga has told chief executive Peter Lawwell that the 6ft 3 ace is his No1 transfer window target.

Paul Caddis has been speaking to the same paper. He moans I don't think I've ever played two games in a row. I've never started an SPL game at Celtic and then takes the hint by saying that moving on might be best for him.

Other made up tat sees WBA offering us money for Gary Caldwell and an old story about Big Eck fancying Aiden McGeady. I'm sure he is not the only one.

Have a good Sunday.

Around In The World in 4 Rumours.

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 11:04:41 +0200

That was the week that was.

A week when a tape became the most sought after piece of sound recording since Osama Bin Laden released his version of The Beatles I Am The Walrus with two henchmen on pan pipes. His X-Factor style tribute to disco is sure to have pop pickers searching those Pakistan caves.

I heard a rumour that if the BBC sound recording of game at Westfield is played backwards you get message that says This Is Satan, I need a Loaf but don't go to Morrisons as their bread is not fresh.

It's Saturday and do I have video delights.

Ki Sung Yong is awaiting a work permit - since he is not from Dalmarnock and has worked it shouldn't be a problem - and the deal has been confirmed by the movers and shakers and they will be patting themselves on the back after, what has been described as, an entrepreneurial capture.

Next up is Yuto Nagatomo. A full back who comes with the warning that he is comfortable on either flank. Rated in the £1.5m to £2m bracket rumours that FC Tokyo and Celtic have discussed business.

Icelandic central defender Solvi Ottesen. The Danish rags say Celtic vil give 4,2 millioner for Sölvi Ottesen. Who are we to argue with such incisive reporting? His video comes with the porntastic title Hard Hardare.

Suitable for adults only.

Leon Best plays for Coventry and is Irish. Add in the fact that he is out of contract next summer then we have all the ingredients to make a Celtic Target after 30 mins in a fan assisted oven.

Here is some footage of him scoring goals in Hoops.

Finally...Senijad Ibricic the Hajduk Split attacking midfielder will be getting watched by someone in a Celtic tracksuit who will taking notes this evening when he lines up for Bosnia against Portugal. The Hot Property of Bosnian football according to guys who play Football Manager.

Viewing delights for a boring international weekend. Lets build up our hopes then feel the crushing disappointment when they sign for Blackburn or Bolton.

The Curse Of The International

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 17:34:48 +0200

The only irony in this not unexpected news is it's announced before a meaningless international bounce game.

John Kennedys star was in the ascent in 2004 when a cowards challenge from Romanian Ionel Ganea -a game in which Kennedy was winning his first and only Scotland Cap - robbed him of 3 years of his career.

A run of games in the first team at that time had us whispering future captain but that night at an empty Hampden has ended that notion.

From that point John had a season ticket for Doctor Steadmans clinic in America.

He made a successful comeback in 2007. Played against Kilmarnock on the 22nd April on the day we clinched two in a row. He had a stalwart performance in Moscow that August but was stretchered off against Donestk in November after jumping for a ball and twisting his knee.

I remember thinking then that his game was up.

After another false start on loan at Norwich the 26 year old has retired on medical advice.

In this time of defensive mediocre this really is a case of what might have been. I'm also sporting a healthy distaste of internationals at this time

I'm sure Celtic will see him right and good luck for the future.