Celtic Don't Make A Butcher Of Penalties Against United. Celtic 0 Dundee Utd 0, Celtic Win 11-10 On Pens.

The thought of hundreds of R*ngers "fans" sitting watching Jeremy Kyle, waiting on the offy to open for their daily dose of Kestral and Merrydown, and jumping everytime they hear a knock at the door, after Manchester Polis released a DVD titled "One Nightmare In May" which, documents their dignity has cheered me no end.

Wie The Polis expecting to collar hundreds of Chelsea, Carlise, Bolton, Swansea and Cardiff fans for their part in the UEFA Vase Riot then I can rest easy that the streets will be safer but can fret that Inverness are appointing a former, sectarian bigot as manager just in time for oor visit.

Why did they need to "SWING" the axe at the perma-tanned Craig Brewster just before we went to one of the grounds, that oor form means that games there are like getting collared going through an airport and hearing the "Snap!" of the rubber gloves. Wie the added 'New Manager Boost" then this game is a worry.

Inverness have now just become hateable by appointing Terry Butcher. The man who loved an own goal and took great pleasure in celebrating "Black Sunday" like those hundreds that are fearing the next knock at the door. I now want their 8 defeats, a run that we started wie a 1-0 victory at the end of November, to go on until the end of the season and their pagan rituals to go wrong and end up wie giant wickermen rampaging through the town setting fire to all that stands in it's way.

They have now been elevated to "Little H*n" status.

But, first, we had a Diddy Cup game to get oot the way. The Diddy Cup only means something at this stage. If you go oot earlier then, so be it, but a chance to get to a final is not one to pass up even though the fans are showing as much interest in this games as George Bush did to leniency at Guantanamo Bay.

The dreaded Credit Crunch is being blamed for the malaise towards this game. Part of that is true, though I think £22, for a decent seat, in the North Stand is not that bad considering it's a semi final, but this cup has been the source of much disinterest for years. It only counts if yer going for the treble.

Hampden is part of the problem. It's a terrible stadium. If you sit behind the goals you have yer view is like watching ants attacking a dropped ice lolly on the pavement. It must be the worst ever stadium to hold two major European Cup Finals. When getting tickets for this game the Ticket Office asked: "What price of tickets dae yeh wyant", "£22", I replied and the Ticket Office said: "Nae wan wants those 18 quid wans, nae wonder, it's a shite view" to which I wondered if those pearls of wisdom have ever been fed up the food chain to the SFA....

The ticket pricing issue has to be sorted. £10 for the cheap seats, £15 for the decent seats and £2 for the weans. Even those prices wouldn't encourage all to leave their sofa's and do something more interesting instead.

The product on show is not up to standard and the problems wie the pitch had been well documented before a ball was kicked in anger. Add this to the fact that it is a midweek game, which causes work issues and other logixtical nightmares, it's before a monthly paydate and a can't be botheredness amongst the support to go oot on a cauld night means that yer avergae Millwall fan would have a field day wie those empty seats.

I missed my first semi-final since 1988 last night. My first semi-final saw me hooked on the semi-buzz after Andy Walker and Mark McGhee scored late goals against Hearts. I have seen some shockers, getting beat of Motherwell, 4-2, in 1992 sticks in my mind and also another game against Motherwell, two seasons ago, when Adam Virgo played right back, makes me chuckle at it's drossness.

A combination of a few of the factors, as mentioned above, was the cause but the fact that I was probably giving up any chance of getting a ticket for the final, if we got there, was still not enough to try and overcome the negatives that going to the game would bring by outweighing them wie positives, mostly made up positives, that going to the game would bring, which I would have done in the past.

So, the BBC it was. And I hated it. For 2 MAJOR reasons.

First up is Pat "I used to be a Tim" Nevin. His half time analysis ran out of superlatives to describe Dundee Utd's first half performance and the tactics of fellow BBC Couch Dweller, Craig Levein, in which, he later admitted, they gave a first half performance that widnae have frightened the French and Celtic more than shaded. Add to him, Billy "Arab and Hun" Dodds, then you had two guys who were as impartial as a Klu Klux Klan meeting.

Secondly, wie the penalty shoot oot sitting at 9 all and Lee Wilkie having just given me a few weeks worth of enjoyment and laughter, Glenn Loovens places the ball on the spot and the BBC decide to change channels for the second time.

So, I'm there, 5 week old in my arms and the Tv goes from Glenn Loovens placing the ball on the spot, to win the game, to a trailer for a sitcom called 'Old Men' starring Trigger fae Only Fools And Horses. I couldnae find the remote for the Tv, the 5 week old starts screaming, probably at the thought of Glenn Loovens taking a penalty, but more inlikely sensing my panic, I'm throwing cushions, nappies, dirty bibs and sleepsuits around only to find I was sitting on the remote. I turn it over to see Andy Hinkel scoring his kick.

What the feck happened I thought? What the feck were they doing changing channels during a shoot out? How did Loovens miss and who scored Uniteds 10th kick is still a mystery.

Penalty kicks are a lottery, so apt it was on the BBC as their programming, apart from Crimewatch, is a lottery. But you can't say they are not exciting and heart attack enducing. I was still shaking and hyper a hour after Scott McDonald scored the 24th kick off the night to put us through. 

It was wie a heavy heart that I celebrated, wie a donut and a juice, the victory. All the negatives I ad aboot attending the game disappeared and seemed so trivial in victory. I wanted to be there, as while not in a quality sense, this game was a classic cause it produced a classic where were you moment.

Would I have felt the sameway if we had lost? Probably, as we had done enough in the 120mins to say that we should have been in the final. We missed chances, should have been a goal up inside 40 seconds, we had the better of the first period, lost oor way in the second, we had a go in Extra Time, hitting the bar twice in the dying moments and we were the more purposeful for 75 minutes of the 120.

We also had the two players that rose above the sweat and toil, which was to be admired, in Marc Crosas and Shunsuke Nakamura who proved thatif you have that quality you could play fitba' on Salcoates Beach in a gale.

All of that was overshadowed by the penalty kick shoot-out. The first 18 were all scored. Up first was Scott McDonald, and he was followed by Caldwell, Nakamura, Robson and Samaras who all buried their kicks. I was waiting on this years Anton Rogan.

Lee Naylor, Marc Crosas and Scott Broon all scored before Lee Wilkie and Glenn Loovens missed. Andy Hinkel, like all Germans in shoot-outs, scored wie ease and it was then onto the battle of the present and future Celtic goalies. 

Zaluska scored by sending Artur Boruc the wrong way. As The Holy Goalie placed the ball on the spot I could imagine all of Scotland wanting him to miss. The most hated man in Scotland was maybe about to have his hung oot to dry moment.

He stepped up and side footed a perfect penalty into the top right hand corner sending his fellow countryman and future team-mate the wrong way. It was a magical few moments, one that summed up why we love this game. The cult and legend of Artur Boruc now has a new chapter.

So, it was back to the start and anyone that had Sky Plussed the game was fecked. Future Celtic player Willo Flood became the most hated man in Scotland and open to all he missed on purpose accusations as he hit the bar wie his second spot kick of the night. Skippy scored and ths rumble in Mount Florida will be remembered mair for 24 kicks than 120 minutes.

So, ma gamble not to go means that I missed one of those great games and means I will, probably, be as active as Tommy Gravesen on March 15th.

It's what I deserve really.

Forza