Celtic Lose A Fortune

Our Survey said:

Hull City seem to have dealt an early hammer blow to Celtic's summer rebuilding plans by signing Marc-Antoine Fortune from under the nose of the ailing Parkhead giants.

Fat Eddie Murphy

This would be a big blow for new Celtic gaffer Mogga. LoTW understands that Celtic were reluctant to meet the £3.8m asking price and the Frenchman, whom Celtic hoped would be as successful as Jean Claude Darcheville, will pen a lucrative deal with the Humberside Giants after Celtic ended their interest due to not meeting the players demands.

A Celtic insider said: "He wanted a house in Newton Mearns, win bonuses and all other sort of monetary rewards. Playing for Celtic no longer seems good enough for these mercenaries."

Tommy And Kenny

Celtic were fighting a losing battle after Nancy(!!!) Sporting Director, Nicolas Holveck, became the first Frenchman to start a war in a couple of centuries. His public utterances drove up the price for the French Kenny Miller and forced Hull to believe their Sky Inspired status of "Playing In The Best League In The World", only due to Newcastle and Middlesboro' being worse than them, meaning they pay over the odds for players.

Celtic are unwilling to compete with the Hull's of this world and the worry for Celtic is that they couldn't attract a player who has declared that he would love to play for his former manager then decided to play for a manager that has proved himself to be a cunt and a liar of the highest order.

The perma-tanned Tommy Sheridan wannabe, creepy uncle type, headset wearing umpa lumpa was last night giving numerous interviews, in the centre circle of an empty KC Stadium, to Sky Sports proclaiming interest in anyone with a pulse.

The Needle And The Damage Done

The damage done to Moggas plans by this snub are being felt all over Europe. With no other striking targets in mind Celtic are now seen as easy pickings for the up-coming Champions League Qualifiers. FC Twente gaffer, Steve McLaren said: "Now Celtic have lost out on Marc, we fancy getting them as they are shit."

Gordon Brown was, unusually, unavailable to comment on Celtic's current farce.