Prudence Lands Celtic A Fortune(ay)

Celtic have finally sealed their dramatic swoop for the South American Frenchman Marc-Antoine Fortune(ay) after the player reluctantly agreed to become one of the highest players at the club.

After a few days of last-gasp talks and intensive negotiations Fortune signed on the dotted line after A Nancy found a bank willing to cash Provident Cheques signed by The Big Man.

Once this hurdle was cleared, the HP agreement signed and with no further phone calls from Only In The EPL Due To Newcastle Being Shit FC being fielded by his Agent Marc-Antoine had no choice but to sign.

The Swagger Of Chris Rock.

As the 28-year old put pen to paper their was a whiff of Henri Camara, a swagger (or limp) of Darcheville and a goal-scoring record that would make Kenny Miller blush in the air. For the 2nd season in a row Scottish Football has a seen a £3m plus striker arrive with a CV that from the outset makes Filip Sebo look a centre forward.

The player, who wants to go into acting when he leaves football and loves the movies of Chris Tucker, is believed to have turned his back on other offers from numerous Only In The EPL Due To Newcastle Being Shit FC's in the hope that Celtic would match their offers. He has rumoured to have lost around £1m, which he has claimed back from old employers.

Lets All Laugh At Hull.

The hugely-lucrative deal proves that Celtic's prudent approach works. They refused to break wage-structure and forced the player to accept a deal on their terms after sending their manager to grovel in a Parisian Hotel.

The high transfer fee is a sore point for the PLC. Peter Lawwell was heard to mutter that: "Phil Brown is a cunt.." after the perma-tanned-umpa-lumpa forced the transfer fee through the roof by speaking to SPECTRE SPORTS, every half hour, proclaiming his love of the player.

This is the second blow to Brown's ego in the last week after The Seldom Seen Michael Owen decided that he would rather play for an old cunt and not a younger one.

Europol Investigate

The £3.8m fee, £2m up-front and 50 instalments of £36,000, is one that after the collapse of Shitanta, Scottish Football feared they were things of the past.  The new Tv deal brokered by SPECTRE Disney is measly compared to the bloated excess of the previous deal.

How Celtic can afford this deal is being discussed in hushed tones within the media. The feeling is they can't let Celtic away with embarrassing their neighbours by spending money.

There has already been calls for the News Of The Worlds phone hacking records for Dermot Desmond to be sent to Europol who are investigating his links to betting syndicates in Asia.

'The Kaiser' was reportedly to have bet Celtic's January transfer budget on Rangers winning the league. Europol have been studying Celtic's games from the end of last season and state that the evidence is conclusive proof of match-fixing.

This signing and the pictures of Peter Lawwell placing bets and buying fake Versace suits in Hong Kong in January are sure to add credence to the bulging dossier. 

With Peter Lawwell being chairman and spokesperson of the sporting integrity committee this is an embarrassing episode.

The Weight Of The Fee.

The welcome for Fortune(ay) has been muted by the Celtic fans who are still recovering from us nearly (in-their-minds) signing Steven Fletcher and who have judged the player on You Tube Footage and Championship Manager stats.

The fee comes with pressure and if Fortune(ay) doesn't hit the ground running by scoring a few tomorrow against Brisbane Roar then the backlash will soon be on it's way.