Unrating The Gemme: Send In Jock Stirrup Edition.

Tale Of The Tape

KILMARNOCK…1

(Maguire 53)

CELTIC…0

KILMARNOCK (4-4-2) Bell; Clancy (Kiernan 73), Ford, Pascali, Hay; Hamill, Bryson, Taouil (Sammon 64), Kelly; Kyle, Maguire (Severin 80)

Subs not used: Robinson, Fowler, Invincibile, Old

CELTIC (4-4-2) Tubby, Handy Andy (The Cad 30), Hair, Jos (Clubfoot 52), The Weasel (Broonie 73); Aiden (Y), Davie, Landry (Y), Kris; MAF, PSB

Subs not used: Cool Hand luka, ZZ, Sammy, Rasputin

Stats Entertainment

Possession: 45% to 55% away win
On Target: 1 to 2 away win
Off Target: 1 to 4 away win
Corners: 3 to 15 away win
Fouls: 10 to 8 home win

This sums up the performance. Two shots oan goal. If only, like my toon's gala day 5 a side competition, you goat awarded goals fir every 5 corners ye won.

Them Who Stare At Goats

Mike Tumilty: 5

Really, still, days latter and I canny remember him being a Noel Hunt at all. Was a bit petty but.....a sort of ho hum unmemorable performance. Mind you that's what we want fie the MIBs.

Match Rating: -5

Like waking up on Christmas Day tae find oot that yir hoose has been burgled by the junkies in the flat across the road. Awe that excitement fir he haw while some Temazepam dealer is playing a X-box 360 oan a 52 inch plasma while his skanky girlfriend tries to mircowave a 12lb turkey.

The Bhoys A Bit Special

This like being the last man of the brigade to be shot at dawn but.....MAF at 2 get's tae watch his friends being executed before he get's tied to the post and shot.

Tadger Of The Match

The manager walks this. Have you run over a cat I pondered? Is it jist unlucky that every striker you sign misses chances and has a phobia of staying in the box?

Or is that the plan?

Your subs were forced but the Scott Brown sub helps along the notion that you could be making it up as ye go along.

Are you unlucky or clueless? I canny decide.

Debutant Bhoys:

PSB: 0

Nae Craig Bellamy and I hope yer wife has followed you tae Glesga. Watch oot Terry's aboot.

Kris: 2

A premier pedigree that may end up disappointing.

The Others

Tubby Goalie: 2

What's yer favourite Eastenders ending? Mines is when Pat Butcher is wandering round the square in the rain like a Brontosaurus that hus lost it's cub screaming: "Frannnnnnkkkkk!" She reminds me oaf you in that scene.

Handy Andy: No rating

The Cad: 2

If at first you do succeed don't repeat and act the smart-arse because you can hit the first man wie the ball. It was boring the first time. Don't ask aboot the 20th.

Jos: 2

I reckon you could be as unique as a Google Whack.

Loovens: 0

I have put yer name doon to be the first centre back in space. You will get a questionnaire soon.

The Weasel: 0

Watching you is like pouring Listerine in an open wound.

Broonie: 0

The only decision this week that makes Katie Prices marriage seem less ludicrous.

Aiden: 0

Dave Crosby sang, stoned,"There is a season, turn, turn, turn. There is a reason turn, turn, turn.." Take note and start beating some men.

Landry: 0

Like Cherie Blair, I forgive cause I know you will show remorse.

Davie: 0

Just when I thought you could eat Rice Krispies fir yer dinner if ye wanted ye dae this. Lost at the goal.