The Lord Of The Wing

Willie McStay Forced To Go Hungry

Mon, 6 Jul 2009 11:06:16 +0100

...........Breaking News: Neil Lennon Has Left A Cone Out On A Training Pitch......More To Follow.........

Wullie McStay jetted out to Hungry yesterday after he was forced out of the Parkhead door to ensure Neil Lennon had a role at the club.

He ended a 15 year love affair with The Hoops after being sent to manage unknowns Ujpest Dozsa at Peter Lawwells instance after Lennon was promised a role in the new Dream Team set up of Mogga, Venus and Grant.

This promise was one of the reasons that the deal to bring Mogga home was delayed as the manager did not have a clue what Lennon does at Celtic Park.

Human Traffic

Willie McStay, who only got a game in the mid 80's as his brother Paul was in the team, was earmarked for a role masterminding the trafficking of young Hungarian players to Lennoxtown for Celtic to look at, decide that they didn't want them and set them out to fend for themselves without the relevant papers or pigeon English to survive in the cruel Glasgow East End.

He would also oversee the 'development' of players sent to Hungary after they annoyed Peter Lawwell by being a drain on resources. The chances of those players being seen again was not included in the small print of the deal.

UEFA and Human Rights Activists put a hold on that plan, which in no-way-what-so-ever will still happen via ligament loan deals or transfers or drive-by-shootings.

Hungry For Success

After leading Celtic Reserves to 9 in a row, bringing through a conveyor belt of talent that now graces The Championship, McStay knew has time was up when he was dramatically snubbed for the managers role after the shock departure of 3 title winning Gordon Strachan.

His appointment would have been backed by the rank and file Celtic support. He had the support of the premium pay-to-view websites and those that you need to sleep with a moderator to join. I'm sure someone, somewhere posted, yesterday, : "OMG. Ltng WMS go is t' bgst mstk tht SSM has mde. FYI Peter its time 2 go." as the Schools are on holidays.

"Everybody dreams, and the love I have for Celtic is no secret but after being snubbed- I was the new Pep Guardiola you know- this is a challenge that I need to take." said McStay, reading from a prepared statement, penned by Lawwell, so that UEFA don't get wind that no players will be moving between the two clubs in the future.

Other Sods

It's not only the loss of a respected coach that Celtic are reeling from this week. Legendary centre-back, Bobo Balde, has left the club and is threatening to sue over a non-payment of £200,000 he feels he is owed for not turning up for work for 3 months.

Balde needs the money to start up his photography business in Tax haven of Monaco.

Paul Hartley's Celtic career is over after last gasp midnight talks failed to come to an agreement that he was past it and he had to be forcibly removed from the room. The ever-present 1st team player leaves a 3 day growth gap in the midfield that Mogga will struggle to fill.

The striking woes continue also, with Jan Vennegoor Of Hesselink not being contactable to be offered a new deal. The prolifically injured strikers agent has published a glossy brochure highlighting his clients greatest injuries, which has been sent to all Eredivisie Clubs ending the Celtic's medical teams hope of overtime in the up-coming season.

'Homesick' Nakamura Leaves Celtic For Espanyol.

Sat, 4 Jul 2009 15:20:08 +0100

Despite Shunsuke Nakamura being offered a further deal by the Parkhead Club the player has snubbed the offer and decided to go home and become the 'perico' signing for Barcelona's 2nd club, Espanyol.

Yakuza Called

The noises from the Nakamura camp all pointed to him becoming the face of Yokohama Marinos, where he would be attending functions, open days, filming numerous adverts and sometimes play for the football club.

This was backed up with Nakamura citing homesickness as a reason he wanted to leave the East End of Glasgow.

Being a man of honour, principal and loyalty Nakamura decided to fulfil the promise made to The Marinos and sign the first lucrative contract offered by a struggling La Liga Club who are always in the shadows of their successful neighbours.

Yokohama chairman, Mascharu Saito was livid at the news: "He is a money grabbing wee shit." he bellowed while he instructed the waiting Yakuza to Spain.

Nakamura's interpreter was unavailable for comment, which was unusual considering that he was always available even though his client spoke and understood decent English for at least 2 seasons.

Poor Form On Irn Bru

The Celtic fans can't complain about Nakamuras decision. After 3 untouchable seasons he struggled to reach any sort of form last term. The player- who was played out of position for his whole time at Celtic- blamed his poor form last season- not on this fact- but on the travelling he has to do if he wants to represent Japan in meaningless World Cup Qualifiers.

The 1051m saving and one less plane trip will benefit his form and his homesickness. He plans to complete his move home via a few seasons in the MLS.

Nakamura also lifted the lid on Irn-Bru Gate where Celtic players took part in the hideous act of drinking Irn Bru and eating crisps on their to games. The internal enquiry is still on-going at the club in a sensational story that dwarfs Monster Munch Gate that engulfed Ibrox under Paul Le Guen.

He also confirms that you should never ask a Japanese person for directions.

SOS:The Unrumour Rumour Mill Featuring: Donovan, Naylor and Keane

Fri, 3 Jul 2009 07:32:15 +0100

............Breaking News: Peter Lawwell states that he will spend the Seville money............Breaki

Last Tango In Paris

Like last pre-season our CEO seems to have been making use of Ryan Airs cheap flights to Paris to meet agents and other imaginary reps of players that Celtic will never sign.

Apart from the 'last gasp' meeting with Marc-Antoine Fortune rumour has it that he our CEO, dressed in an suit with polished brogues was last seen waiting for Semir Stilics agent with the tempting offer of a trial and a trip to Australia.

It's United, You Know

Apart from sitting in Charles De Gaul our CEO takes trips up the M9 every transfer window to part with cash for Dundee Utd's 'best' (sic) players. This time it's predictably Sandaza with £1m plus add ons, stuffed in a suitcase to tempt the United suits. Is the add-on a Mark Wilson?

It's Chile

South American wonder-kid states Eduardo Vargas states that it's his dream to get kicked up and down the park in Britain. He said: "I want Ross Tokely to beast me from behind." he commented to all within earshot while admitting that some clubs are interested in him.

USA! USA! USA!

With success of Maurice Edu and Team USA fluking to the final of the Confed Cup could Mogga be looking at bring in (delete as you appreciate) Landon Donovan, Jay Demerit, Jozy Altiore or Charlie Davies to do more than visit Edinburgh Castle and moan about our customer service this summer? No, don't think so.

Bhoys Are Back In Town

With the team returning for pre-season some faces will be sticking around for much longer than the board and the fans expected. Spurs in the knows are now saying the deals to take McGeady and Brown to White Hart Pain are now off the table with Mowbray, Downing and Injury being the major factors.

Mowbray after watching numerous DVD's has been impressed with Lee Naylor especially in the Tommy Burns tribute game.

In the battle of the bulge if Skippy weighs in at over a certain weight his punishment will be getting sent to Hull or having to partner Georgios Samaras again.

The Text Twitter

......snubs Celtic.....Robbie Keane spotted in Glasgow.......Hartley to Ipswich...Samuel Eto will do a 180 and sign for Celtic....Who is Marko Janko?...Ma mate says Artur is going to Arsenal.....Anthony Stokes has he has knocked back Hibs to hold on for his dream move...Amaury Bischoff has been recommended by Lian Brady.....Steven Fletcher...

Summer Of Shit. Polishing Numerous Turds To Find Gold.

Silver Lining Of Setanta's Demise.

Wed, 1 Jul 2009 21:59:12 +0100

Some Shitanta Employees With New Jobs. Yesterday.

The SPL is staring into the abyss. With Shitanta going bust clubs are looking forward to the new season with all the fanfare of a Vuvuzela with toilet roll stuffed up its blow hole.

In other quarters though, the fact that Scott Booth is signing on and that the SPL will not be subject to mass consumption and ridicule is cause for celebration all over the world.

Bring In The Goats

The Irish Broadcaster failed to find a backer after their advertisement in We Need To Find A Rich Financial Backer With A Few Million To Spare Weekly failed to get any takers leaving the SPL facing financial ruin.

Rhubarb Murducks SPECTRE Sports is seen as the main player in bidding for the rights to show the SPL but the company will maybe be reluctant to bid after The SPL chairmen rejected their offer of a few green backs a number of years ago.

A spokesman for SPECTRE Sports, speaking from a dormant volcano underneath a false lake, said: "We have a duty to subscribers to ensure a high quality product and we feel that the SPL doesn't meet that standard."

"We have recently signed a deal to show the Uzbekistan Goat Tossing League on a Sunday evening at 9pm, which would have been the slot for the SPL. We feel that Goat Tossing will give us more of the market share than St Mirren v Motherwell."

Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

With SPL clubs trying to get Lidils and Aldis to buy their grounds to ensure their futures, a saviour, after SPECTRES snub, is the Disney backed ESPN Sports who have made their name showing Rounder's and White Men Can't Jump Net Ball.

The thought of Mickey Mouse saving a Mickey Mouse League has not been lost on those SPECTRE backed supporters who are only in the 'Best League In The World' due to Newcastle, WBA and Middlesboro' being shit.

The Political Wing of the Rangers Fan(nie)s, The RST, spokesman, Farquar Ferguson has already commented that The SPL would become a 'side salad' on the plate of the Tv fan.

This has been roundly ridiculed by the ESPN due to a Rangers fan mentioning salad.

Dundee Utd chairmen, Stevie Thompson believes that the SPL is a "great product" and fully backs Campbell Ogilvie plan to reactivate a disused Russian Spy satellite, part owned by Mad Vlad Romanov after his days in the KGB, which would be programmed to beam pictures to tinfoil wrapped dish plates angled at 16 degrees to the North and 90 degrees longitude from the equator.

Technology

ESPN will have a head start if they bid for the rights to The SPL. Shitanta have left a brand new studio in Glasgow all kitted out with Tellies, Computers and other things that you need to run a unsuccessful company. But there is a human element to this.

Stories of an ex-lawyer and CEO losing his job commentating on Bundesliga and Ligue One games from his broom cupboard in the Glasgow studio and a tired and emotional respected co-commentator and Walsall Legend, has spoke that he is so-hard up that he might need to take up gardening when he stops drinking.

Why a millionaire ex-footballer, who got his pension fund topped up by knowing the ins and outs of extra affairs of one of his paymasters, would need to take up gardening is any ones guess out-with his bookmaker.

Un-Real Radio hosts, and the Voices Of The Scottish Shame, Hew and Cameron said: "This is a shocker to all involved. Our excuses that we never saw the incident can now be ligament."

Can Scottish Football survive and should we really be bothered if Kilmarnock go bust?

SOS For Artur Boruc Sale.

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 16:56:43 +0100

After biding a stratospheric £3.8m for Marc-Antoine Fortune many in the Celtic World were wondering if the Biscuit Tin had been prized open to win back their league crown.

Most will be disappointed- but not surprised- to learn that Celtic's budget will be supplemented by selling one of their most valuable assets and using today's gold prices and his pre Christmas weight then Artur Boruc tips the scales to be sold with a bid of over £5m securing his services.

The unnamed source confirmed last night to anyone with a log in to Celtic Message boards that the player had said his goodbyes to his team-mates and had put his houses up for sale.

The sale of his houses has been confirmed by an insider at WeSellFootballersHouses.Com.

Further updates will follow on Arturs Twitter, Bebo and Facebook with You Tube Footage to follow.

Sniff Sniff

Summer Of Shit. Polishing Numerous Turds To Find Gold.

Celtic Lose A Fortune

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 08:46:44 +0100

Our Survey said:

Hull City seem to have dealt an early hammer blow to Celtic's summer rebuilding plans by signing Marc-Antoine Fortune from under the nose of the ailing Parkhead giants.

Fat Eddie Murphy

This would be a big blow for new Celtic gaffer Mogga. LoTW understands that Celtic were reluctant to meet the £3.8m asking price and the Frenchman, whom Celtic hoped would be as successful as Jean Claude Darcheville, will pen a lucrative deal with the Humberside Giants after Celtic ended their interest due to not meeting the players demands.

A Celtic insider said: "He wanted a house in Newton Mearns, win bonuses and all other sort of monetary rewards. Playing for Celtic no longer seems good enough for these mercenaries."

Tommy And Kenny

Celtic were fighting a losing battle after Nancy(!!!) Sporting Director, Nicolas Holveck, became the first Frenchman to start a war in a couple of centuries. His public utterances drove up the price for the French Kenny Miller and forced Hull to believe their Sky Inspired status of "Playing In The Best League In The World", only due to Newcastle and Middlesboro' being worse than them, meaning they pay over the odds for players.

Celtic are unwilling to compete with the Hull's of this world and the worry for Celtic is that they couldn't attract a player who has declared that he would love to play for his former manager then decided to play for a manager that has proved himself to be a cunt and a liar of the highest order.

The perma-tanned Tommy Sheridan wannabe, creepy uncle type, headset wearing umpa lumpa was last night giving numerous interviews, in the centre circle of an empty KC Stadium, to Sky Sports proclaiming interest in anyone with a pulse.

The Needle And The Damage Done

The damage done to Moggas plans by this snub are being felt all over Europe. With no other striking targets in mind Celtic are now seen as easy pickings for the up-coming Champions League Qualifiers. FC Twente gaffer, Steve McLaren said: "Now Celtic have lost out on Marc, we fancy getting them as they are shit."

Gordon Brown was, unusually, unavailable to comment on Celtic's current farce.

No Venus Flytrap For Fletcher.

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 12:19:19 +0100

Mark Venus. Plus Agent.

As Mark Venus spoke about Champion League Qualifiers, Scott Brown and being Tony Mowbray's assistant it was when the legends he worked with at Hartlepool, Leicester and Dagenham and Redbridge were mentioned that brought a sparkle to the Monkey Hangers eye.

But one stands above them all.

George Cole.

"Yes, he is a legend and the years I spent making the poor re-hashed version of Minder were the best days of my life." he reminisced.

"But...did you see the Shane Ritchie version? Fucking liberty, no wonder it didn't get a 2nd series."

Football is what he is here for though. With Marc-Antoine Fortune looking more and more likely to give Celtic a massive sub and join EPL giants Hull City leaving Tony Mowbrays plans in turmoil.

One possible target is Hibs striker Steven Fletcher. Venus worked with Fletcher when he was a raw youngster and gave his in-sight and knowledge on the Scottish Internationals ability.

"He's pretty shit." dampening the speculation with a fireman's hose.

S.O.S For Juan Fernando Arango

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 08:34:50 +0100

Celtic, will try and get a South American solution to their goal scoring problems after reports in Venezuela claim that they are after the countries top football superstar. The deal could be pushed through quickly as Celtic know how well South Americans adapt to the SPL.

The players agent, yesterday, didn't fax, any ambiguous quotes, which were exclusive to all newspapers but we fully expect Pablo D Loafernsocks to release a statement later today.

Juan Arango, 29 year old striker, currently playing for Real Mallorca, would appear to be on Celtic's radar as after all Venezuela is a hotbed for all news things SPL. It would also appear that £3.4m for a player with no sell on value shows that Celtic appear to mean business with this sensational swoop.

Further quotes from ex team-mates and You Tube Footage to follow.

Summer Of Shit. Polishing Numerous Turds To Find Gold.

S.O.S For Steven Fletcher

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 19:20:02 +0100

Celtic boss Tony Mowbray is looking to sort out his striking problems by signing a player linked by lazy journalism as predictable as the inflated price that we would need to pay for him.

The players agent, yesterday, faxed, no ambiguous quotes that would have been exclusive to all newspapers.

Steven Fletcher, 22 year old striker (who has a passion for tattoos) was linked due to Celtic having a bid rejected for him under the previous manager and Tony Mowbray being interested in signing him for WBA and working with him at Hibs. This is a sure sign that Mowbray is interested.

Further quotes for ex team-mated and You Tube footage to follow.

Sniff Sniff.

Summer Of Shit. Polishing Numerous Turds To Find Gold.

S.O.S For Thimothee Atouba

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 08:52:00 +0100

Celtic manager Tony Mowbray is expected to solve the problematic left back slot by signing a player that Celtic were linked with before he moved to his current club and are being credited with a current interest on that basis.

Reports in France and Germany, yesterday, were made exclusive to all broadcasters that are owned by Rupert Murdoch and the player gave them an ambiguous quote.

Thimothee Atouba , 27 years old, and a free agent after his contract expired at Hamburg said:"There are many chances my career will continue in the United Kingdom, or somewhere else, I have many contacts," at least confirming that Scotland is somewhere else.

Further quotes from ex team-mates and You Tube footage to follow.

Sniff Sniff

Summer Of Shit. Polishing Numerous Turds To Find Gold.