The Lord Of The Wing

all farewells should be sudden.

Thu, 27 May 2010 12:29:54 -0700

Thanks to all at OleOle. No hard feelings. It's been a BLAST! Good luck for the future. Too everyone else, see you on the other side.

powerpoint to the future

Thu, 20 May 2010 12:26:45 -0700

The agony continues. The bunkers are down with no information coming from the zoot suits but information is buzzing from the buglers who are delivering messages to the troops.

The Celtic Trust have announced a meeting on the 28th May 2010 - first of 3 meetings - when the future of the club will be laid out bare. Who will be delivering that message? Yes, Neil Lennon and Peter Lawwell. It's like Shrek and Donkey on the road with a powerpoint presentation, to save the Princess - that is our football club- a message of hope and goodwill with tea, coffee and biscuits thrown in.

This whole thing is really now playing out a like a bad episode of Hollyoaks but without the fit looking birds to take your mind of the bad acting and the poor and predictable plot line.

How many more days must we get Legends like Paul McStay dragged out to say: " I'd be very comfortable with Neil getting the job" in that sort of understated and graceful way, very similar of the way he played the game. Legend.

If/When Lennon gets the gig it will be interesting to see who is brought in to assist him. Rumours are it won't be Johan but, in reality, can we afford to lose this: "The Scottish Cup defeat to Ross County was a hugh shock. There was no passion or character. So then I decided to get involved in training. Neil gave me the green light to hit the players as hard as I could, if I got the chance, so they'd understand we meant." said The Big Man giving an insight into the Lennon guide to man-management. Kick them bloody hard until they get the message.

Paddy McCourt besmirched a decent week by slipping into stereotype and not the one of a skillfull wayward Irishman who likes a drink, a punt and the ladies who pisses his life up against a wall and ends up working as a plaster for beer tokens.

"The players know that this year wasn't good enough and are just looking to recharge their batteries, come back for the new season and hopefully put things right." he rasped in an Irish brogue, tainted with whiskey, cigarettes and Tick Tacts.

While some will searching for love or at least a fumble with an alco-pop fuelled, scantly dressed, sun burned and sun stroked lady this summer, Paul McGowan has all he wants at home. "Neil Lennon told me I was well-loved at the club" gushed Gowser safely knowing that he can't catch anything nasty from that statement.

One player who will not be going on holiday is Stephen McManus. Middlesbrough’s website has confirmed that the Celtic defender has cancelled a family holiday in order to join Gordon Strachan’s team for the training camp in Spain tomorrow, which promises to be a cross between a SAS training camp and the Krypton Factor for the motley crew of SPL rejects and strays.

His place could be taken by Mobido Diakite a French defender who is lost in Italy. His agent Ulisses Savini, a name that sounds like what you believe those girls on Babecast are called, said: ”Celtic have been in contact, although there is interest from France, Greece and Turkey.”while writhing around semi naked on a bed at £1.50 per minute.

Still, Landry N'Guemo will find out if he has to cancel his Kite Flying and Fly Fishing Monthly subscription soon enough. "Celtic have requested a meeting with us to discuss N'Guemo's future," promised Jacques Rousselot, his agent, who couldn't sound more French if he was wearing onions and riding a bike in a stripy jumper.

We will probably see more rubbish. I'll see you on the other side off the weekend.

under the watchful eye of walter frosch

Wed, 19 May 2010 04:27:25 -0700

An Irishman wobbling through the St Pauli district of Hamburg is not an uncommon sight. The sight of Paddy McCourt wobbling through defences and scoring instantly classic goals is not an uncommon sight either.

So last night saw our season stutter to a close when we played St Pauli in a game to celebrate their centenary. Their stadium is under construction and to stop us looking at builders bums they put up giant mug shots of, what I presume, was what was voted as their greatest 11.

I fully expected the pictures to come to life - like in Harry Potter - and like footballing deities tell players off for poor skill and purpose. It didn't happen but it was like watching a game at Bayview with half of the Kelvingrove art gallery on display.

One of the players on display was Walter Frosch. He looked like a lower league Rudi Voller and a man who could party with Har Mar Superstar. He was a throwback, a bit like Mr McCourt.

"It was a wonder goal from Paddy. I thought he was going to have a big game, and he did." said the interim manager after the game. “The pitch suited us and conditions were good. All the good players turned up tonight.” continued the manager. It was difficult to gauge the performance. At one point St Pauli replaced their entire team - it seemed - brought on a overweight centre forward and considered playing his 6 year old son at left back.

Though, Crosas, Brown, McGowan and McCourt can be pleased with their nights entertainment. But...what about the real question?

“In terms of the job, it is still an ongoing process. It’s just as we were after the Hearts game. The club is going through the technicalities of it and, obviously, there are applicants for it. They are going through due diligence, I suppose.” Lennon repeated ignoring the story that Saint Martin Of O'Neill has recommended and Neither the club nor the prospective manager are averse to adding a "senior hand" to assist and that recommendation is the signal to move his stuff into the room marked manager at Lennoxtown.

This is becoming like waiting on Xmas morning knowing full well that you have a bike as you saw it hidden in the loft.

Still, despite his denials "I have been out looking for players but whether the club take any notice of that is another thing,” he fibbed as the moneymen set about trying to turn us into Championship O'Neill Lite but with a major wage bill.

Steven Reids agent didn't disappoint with "Things haven't really moved on and Steven still has a lot to consider." before adding the obligatory "He was extremely impressed by what he saw and what Celtic had to say." as his client was upstairs being wrapped in protective bubble wrap.

"We are aware that Celtic have an interest in Jimmy Bullard." harrumphed Adam Pearson, Hull's chairman looking forward to getting the expense of a sheep dog dressed as a Granny of their wage bill at some point this summer and if we need further proof of the supposed direction, Sol Campbell has been waving and fluttering his eyelids.

“Although a one-year contract has been offered, these things take some time to thrash out. I am in no rush, I would like to stay with Arsenal if I could, however, Celtic are a massive club, a great club, with massive support." he said fully knowing that proving he was the only Arsenal defender not to soil himself when playing in front of Almunia that trips to the ghost towns of the SPL are not on the agenda.

With such luminaries Nottingham Forest's Kelvin Wilson and the Scunthorpe United striker Gary Hooper also on the radar a summer of Meh! is on the cards.

Here's last nights goals to cheer us up.

The E-Bay Of The Championship

Tue, 18 May 2010 09:35:44 -0700

Seems like I annoyed some cup winners with my humbug take on their parade. They should just be glad I wasn't close enough to pish on it. But having seen footage of Andy Webster parading around like Gok Wan after a colonic irrigation he will fit in when he returns 'home' this summer.

Still, at least they didn't lower themselves to being drunk millionaires being like horses braying into a bucket in a higher rent take on Friday Night Karoke at Motherwell Miners Welfare. Sky cut off just before John Terry did 'I Will Survive'.

But there is nothing more annoying than footballers who have failed saying that they will do better next season when they have shown no evidence that they will do better next season. "Our determination to bring back success is doubled. Some of the boys who were new to the club now know the situation" annoyingly said Captain Broonie without asking the question who will be in charge, will he know the situation, what players will be with the club and if they will know the situation?

Blackburns Republic Of Ireland internationalist Steven Reid may or may not be there. The central midfielder whose record of 42 appearances in the last 4 season with persistent back and knee injuries makes him seem a better fit for a role of a car crash victim in Holby rather than the refined nature of the SPL.

He was last injured by a floating crisp poke. It was a salt and vinegar who are not known for being 'hard'.

Signing players without a man in charge seems risky but it's done with Neil Lennon's blessing. Seemingly. "The talks went well with Steven and Celtic feel the deal is close. Suffice to say, Neil Lennon knows all about the player" warbled a source while another source stating that talks with West Brom "which is likely price him out of a move to Parkhead." which suffice to say probably won't come as a major disappointment to many apart from Broonie who would want to stare into the players eyes to see if they know the situation.

Though the like of Reid, Crystal Palaces Darren Ambrose and Nottingham Forests Kelvin Wilson being linked if Lennon get's the job backs the hunch that Lennon "wants more British and Irish players" that some are running with and firmly places us shopping in the Championship market, which will disappoint most.

It's an expensive affair and all a bit like buying fake goods from Japanese traders on E-Bay who advertises 'comes with original packaging and tags'. Those sellers don't come with decent reviews or customer feedback.

I'm finding this all a bit tedious. The naming of the manager will allow us to explode like fireworks. We can then say the manager is useless and shows a lack of ambition. Then we can get down to the business of lambasting, slagging and writing players off before they have even kicked a ball for us.

So, a leak tonight and full announcement tomorrow chaps. It's summer and the sun is shining. We are playing St Pauli tonight and it's live on the Tv if you have the correct package. More interesting than that wee speccy in Eastenders becoming a bully and locking girls in huts.

That type of behaviour should be kept for the Goodwillies and Novo's of this world.

the slosh of the taxman

Mon, 17 May 2010 09:02:35 -0700

I really never had any reason to dislike Dundee United. I had the unfortunate pleasure of watching the majority off what failed to pass as a Cup Final and the reasons to gain a slight dislike of them became clear.

First up is The Slosh. Playing that as your song of celebration should mean that your lined up against a wall and shot. Second up is David Goodwillie. Apart from looking like a midget eating goats shit, he has a sleeve tattoo and instead of being remembered as scoring a great goal he will be remembered for wearing a pair of women's sunglasses when picking up the cup. That sort of behaviour should be stamped out preferably while wearing a pair of work boots.

"I will take it if everything is alright. I don't think this team will be broken up" was the words of wisdom that passed Peter Houston lips on Saturday. Like the sweet nectar of the first pint of summer it will taste good to those who fear he may darken our door if Levein gives the Haggis Munchers the heave.

That may or may not happen this week. Chances something will though as the Lesser Spotted Renewals are plopping through the doors with and each one comes with a free Peter Lawwell exclusive arse-licking.

"This season has been unacceptable. For this, we sincerely apologise" he pants like a Collie Dog who has eaten your slippers. The "we don't take your support lightly" doesn't wash - it sounds like a Fast Food Chain, who sell deep friend squirrel burgers, motto - and the only way to prove this is deliver the changes or hand in your notice.

Failed CEO's can still command good wages.

The change must be to ignore news from over the river no matter if it makes you feel like a horny gypsies dog right after a good old gonad licking. "We've been hit with a £24m 'assessment' from the taxman. The implications are horrifying. The interest could be £12m and there may also be a penalty element of between £12m and £18m. This is a desperate situation" a Rangers sourced whimpered like any ex catalogue model would when asked to give back a salmon pink lactose polo shirt.

I know as much about castrating eunuchs as I do about the implications of this. What I do know that Beavis Johnston saying "I do not think it should be a material concern for us" flies in the face of his what his CEO and the clubs lawyers said to the paper that revealed the story.

The change must also to be take into account Fenerbache's failure to win the Turkish League and face up to an exit from The Big Cup from either Zenit, Ajax, Dynamo Kyiv, Braga or the aforementioned Turks. Budget for a run in the Europa League and ensure we have the tools to make it past the Turkey stuffing season.

Also, if you want to lick my butt then a see that Wolves and Sunderland are not in a position to offer Bob Keane a five year deal. Make the Box Office happen then I will even have a shower before you come round to lick.

Lastly today, I fully expect that Nacho Novo telling a room full of R*ngers fans "Celtic what can I say about them and there fans, b*stards I hate them" will see him on the front pages quicker than Tam Cowan at an all you can eat buffet or when faced with a gaggle of priests.

Of course we know where Novo lives. Even b*stards can use Sat Nav's, buy petrol, a bottle of ginger and a copy of the Sport.

Here, doggy, doggy....

Thanks to the CU Twitter for the picture.

Remember The Celtic Men

Sat, 15 May 2010 04:18:28 -0700

A Twitter In The Golacs

Fri, 14 May 2010 23:52:52 -0700

The domestic football season plays it's last tune today and it's akin to 'Hey Jude' played on pan pipes and as a ring tone on a Nokia older than Alan Sugars New Apprentices. Yes, it gives you the will to switch the bloody thing off but not to answer it.

Today, I will partaking in - what is becoming - my annual ignoring cup final day by partaking in alcohol in a beer garden somewhere pondering thoughts no sane man should ponder. Like why does Joe Broon look like Oor Wullies dad? And Ivan Golac.

"I'm available at the moment. It would be something very special and I know I am capable," he said as sanely as a man who looks like Doc from Back To The Future, Arthur Montford and John Inman fighting in a paddling pool full of blamonge. This man once was a manager of a chocolate factory and we have all seen Wullie Wonka.

Billy Davies has warned that “As a professional football manager there is not a job that I would not consider,” and David Moyes has ruled out a move stating that he sees himself "at Celtic, in time. But it wouldn't be my time just now."while we digest that bomb shell I think it' time we digest this Tweet and fear the coming of Monday.

Will the players be fearing the future? "I have a lot to improve upon but I played in Europe and scored a few goals"self admired Niall McGinn while getting me to cast my mind back to a snowy night in Vienna when we waltzed to a 3 each draw with McGinn catching the eye of Wolverhampton Wanderers . McGinn has something. Just don't know what and that night in Vienna, against a poor Rapid side, is now classed as a highlight of last season.

Not having a manager does stop the speculation of who we are not going to sign. Kelvin Wilson, Nottingham Forest centre back, with the obligatory neck art, which seems to be the rage amongst some young footballers with no regard how stupid it will look when they are 60 and using past experience of those with the neck art either means you are rubbish - Edson Braafhied - or a thug - Ryan Stevenson.

Still the paper says that Neil Lennon is expected to be placed in permanent charge at Celtic Park. This Tweet alludes to something different and maybe I'll need to watch the fallout from the Cup Final with an interest.

the moral compass of sicilians

Thu, 13 May 2010 12:16:07 -0700

It's the close season. Sensible radio stations are leading on rugby stories while others discuss the numerous permutations of Engurland centre backs if the Moral Compass is injured. Still, their award winning broadcast states that a Celtic insider told them "they have no timescale on an appointment" while their main wanchor man states that "Neil Lennon will get the job."

Robbie Keane hopes Lenny gets the job. He said so. "I really hope Lenny gets the job." he said. But you know that. "He has all the attributes to be a great manager." continued the Spurs frontman - if I type if often it doesn't hurt as much - before adding "But this (playing for Celtic) is something I have always wanted to do and I'll never regret" in a seriously past tense.

Big Bad John Hartson was as firer as a Welsh Dragon when surmised "I don't think it will be difficult for Celtic to attract a big name as their manager" forgetting that when BIG NAMED managers were interested in slumming in the East End he was interested in slumming in the East End. Even pipe dreams like Woy Hodgson are ruling themselves out. "I am planning on being here and my contract takes me into next season." he drilled mirroring his Plucky Fulham side with a Billionaire owner and £80m debt.

Talking of Well Drilled Plucky Fulham Nancy 'Joe' Kamara wants out before the repo men come in, immigration for Al Fayed or Hugh Grant asks him to a dinner party where Lily Allen is the entertainment. "I will go back but my priority is to stay at Celtic so we will wait and see what happens."and we all know that the what happens will be him at Cardiff. The man who plays like an Egyptian whose tomb has just been discovered would be a useful addition. But not at the prices quoted.

Talking of prices, Georgios Samaras is not going for a monkey that plays the cymbals. "I am not open for talks with other clubs because I am very happy in Glasgow." said Zeus while sending food parcels - tablet, macaroon bars, Irn Bru and battered sausages - home to Greece.

Maybe Sammy didn't fancy the Sicilian traditions as he may have been mistaken for a horse and his head would have ended up in someones bed. That wouldn't be nice unless it was George Osbournes bed.

It's May and the heating is still on.

samaras for a monkey

Wed, 12 May 2010 11:56:19 -0700

It's been almost as if the world was going to end. It's been bleak, grey and strangely full of disappointment as we wake up to face the future that has been mapped out for us. Instead of - what I picture to be- a greasy long-haired goon in a big collared shirt, chinos and deck shoes we should send in Terry Tibbs to do any deal this summer.

"Samaras? I'll get you a monkey that plays the symbols"

Instead, we have Walter Sabatini - Palermo General Manager - saying: "Palermo for Samaras? He has played for many clubs but he is certainly a good player" giving the impression that he was making an excuse for not even considering signing the lanky Zeus. When ex-team-mate an all round bad hair day guy - Massimo Donati - describes you as an: "unusual striker" then you can cancel your Italian lessons and hand back The Big Book Of Bribes to the library.

Sammy has been included in the provisional Greek squad for the World Cup. N'Guemo is in Cameroon's and the Dutch have ensured they won't be getting a sheckle punted on them by including Edson Braafhied in theirs. They must be bad.

Iniesta-Lite, Marc Crosas, does irony as well as voluptuous single mum's after a few beers. "I've two more years at Celtic and I want to finish my contract. I may well want to sign another contract" he Ola'd. The Clyde One eye in the sky will need to impress the man in charge, which he hasn't done to any of the last three, and not just someone looking for Tax Credit top up.

The day after the bookies cut Saint Martin Of O'Neill from 33-1 to 6-1 for the Celtic job the Sky Yellow Ticker today confirms that he will be staying at Villa while another ex-manager has sent out a source to say that he fancies being the worst thing to hit Coventry since Thatcher. "He'd love the Coventry job- it's A1 perfect for him" said a family friend pointing out he stays quite close to Coventry.

Since it's getting into the season when Celtic keep the USA internal flight economy afloat with a tour it's nice to see that Peter Lawwell knows what is really important. Aye, lets patronise the American and Canadian fans. "The club always receives a very warm welcome in Canada and the USA and we are pleased that through such tours our fans have the chance to see the team in action" boasted the now frayed suited man, whose suit needs dried cleaned as it's mucky and damp due to him hiding underground with Lord Lucan for so long.

Our pre-season will see defeats to Philadelphia, Man Utd and Seattle.

the snake tongued recurring nightmare.

Tue, 11 May 2010 04:51:59 -0700

It's not unusual to feel like you want to puke up your insides when John Reid appears on your Tv. Like most unemployed MP's over the last few days he has been popping doing all sorts of interviews on the circus that is British politics.

Reid, should be used to commenting on circuses and as he sold his party down the river last night with his scathing views on the 'Pro-Alliance' or whatever Star Wars themed name it has this hour I did wonder how can you trust this man?

When he said that "We intentionally delayed starting the process until today out of fairness and courtesy to Neil" and taking into account his previous then all pointers should suggest that we have been talking to every Tom, Dick and Harry while Lenny has been dragging a team of well intention chancers towards decency.

A paper not known for it's insight into Scottish Football stated yesterday that the Ginger Guardiola "himself has within the past week privately cast doubts on the likelihood of him being offered the job" and that the statement is "proof that DD has reservations over handing Lennon the post."

It then goes onto list the possible candidates with Levein, Billy Davies, Roy Keane, Mark Hughes and a unhappy Saint Martin Of O'Neill being tossed into the mix like a German trance DJ dropping in some Seal.

The other recurring nightmare scenario is that we are waiting to see what they do before announcing what we will do. Pinch me it's January 2009 once again. Some call it game theory. I call it eating a Gingsters Sausage Roll while drunk knowing that the last time it gave you nothing but bother for 3 days afterwards.

There is danger for DD. The fire guard he had to save him from getting burned when they sacked Mowbray has disappeared. Unless they bundled a Jose, Roy, Mark or Martin out the transit van in the next few weeks as the reason not to appoint Lenny then the new man should be prepared to start the season with skant goodwill. The rank and file have sharpened the pitch forks and are preparing the torches.

"I will always be grateful to have been given the chance to manage the club I love" stated Lenny in a prepared statement. A statement prepared full in the knowledge that Reid speaks in serpent tongue.