The Lord Of The Wing

In The Name Of The Gaul

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:10:02 -0500

I pictured FIFA suits whooping and cheering- like those evil Scotrail knobjockies who see a little a bit of rain as good reason for it taking you 3 hours to get home from Glasgow by terminating your train at a station that costs you £16 in a taxi to get home from after they say they were hopeful a bus would turn up to take you to your destination- when all WC Qualifiers were done and dusted the other night.

Job done. 17 of the top 20 teams in the world qualified and all the TV Eyes of the big nations. Would they rather have had an audience of 4.2m or between 60m and 70m? No brainer.

Hell, they even got a fall guy.

French Manager Terry Henry gave us La Mein De Dieu killing off any future hope that his brand sells when his career ends and a moment he gained infamy on Maradona scale.

On a laptop screen I saw the Hand Of Gaul, Swede Martin Hansson, who looked like a gay cowboy, decided that him and his assistants didn't. I'm sure it was listed in the footnotes of FIFA's guidence that he doesn't see any incident that will disadvantage revenue streams.

It's with warped logic that I will look at Eduardo Da Silva and Henry. I see both as different but both cases when fitted in the bigger picture show the corruption and end game of the football authorities.

While Eduardo was deceitful I see nothing wrong in a player making the most of a situation if a big galoot of a defender or goalie gives them the opportunity. Henry showed a slight of hand not seen since Michael Jordan or a high class escort with a defrocked MP.

Pardon my French by it was fucking cheating of the highest order.

The end game.

The Big Cup this year changed rules to allow smaller teams direct entry on one hand while on the other ensuring the big teams got an easier passage via qualification as they were seeded. Platini with this keeps all happy when he is pimping for votes at re-election time.

While Arsenal didn't need any help to beat us it was clearly obvious to a paranoid ridden mental case like myself that in the two games the men in the middle ensured (along with our players) the passage to the cash cow would be smooth.

The need to keep the big clubs happy was cast in stone with Eduardo-gate. The initial 2 match ban was over turned after a mysterious 30 odd page document landed on Platini's desk, from a fellow Frenchman I may add, which said that Eduardo hadn't dived and there had been contact.

I believe that the document really pointed out that all big clubs have a barrel full of cheating cunts and they would dilute the competition if they banned everyone. It played on UEFA's self interest and probably talked % drop in revenue streams and advertising if Drogba had to be banned for life.

After this document, has anyone else noticed that Arsenal seem to be getting the benefit of every contentious decision in their Big Cup games? Hand balls and offsides are being ignored and being a punter a bet that they will reach the Big Cup Final with UEFA's help is worth a few bob.

Anyway, FIFA, yes...they decided to seed the play offs when France (sponsored by Addidas who are a sponsor of the WC) and Portugal (the one man brand that is CR7) made a tit of qualifying despite being given a decent hand to start with.

Is it so wrong for the govern bodies to want the best at their parties? No, Ireland won't be missed and commentators can lock away their plucky, hard working, organised, full of fighting spirit little Ireland condensing adjectives for the next glorious failure.

South Africa has had a lucky escape in that white socked flip flopped Irish won't be trying to source Guinness.

We weren't missed in the Big Cup and won't be missed from the Europa League either.

Let's just get it out in the open. FIFA and UEFA come out and say right we want these countries/teams in and the rest of you bums can fight it out for a few places at the top table.

It would save a hell of a lot of hassle.

Noughties And Nice

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 07:01:48 -0500

Over the weekend there was a program called: "What The Noughties Gave Us" on some free to view license fee paid channel.

I'll tell you what the Noughties gave us was numerous shit list programs where Z list celebs, washed up TV Presenters and unfunny comedians talk absolute bollocks about subjects - that they have been given a list of beforehand but get asked to make it look off the cuff- that no-one cares about.

It also gave us the taste of lager soiled with carelessly disgarded fag ash when we discuss International friendlies or anything International as club football is king.

International friendlies are soulless bleak useless vessels where all shred of human emotion is sucked out of our lifeless bodies. A bit like Bridlington.

Scotland folded like a pack of cards against the Welsh School Boys select as the SFA pylon suits could only watch in wonder at a youth program that produces a Ramsey and a Ledley.

Talk afterwards that someone off the record told reporters that the Scotland team couldnae be arsed. This comes as no surprise.

I remember talking to a well oiled Scottish international at a wedding. He was a regular under Brown/Vogts and was playing in the EPL at the time. I asked him about internationals and he said couldnae give a fuck, only useful for getting more money.

I use this as a rule of thumb when I think about thinking too hard about Internationals.

Still, you would expect managers to grasp the basics of the game. Over the last 18 months we have seen things that make us think we know nothing about the game as incumbents continually play players and tactics that bemuse and don't work.

The Scotland team lined up with Fox, Caldwell and Mick. In desperation to give Fox a cap Jim Jeffries Seat Warmer ignored that his form is slightly less impressive than his commitment to body art and that Caldwell and Mick are the Cannon and Ball of defending.

It's last outing saw it ship 3 goals to the worse team in the league (now with another 3 in the against column) and it's only the fickle finger of fate (damn you, you bony dirty stick like body part ) that saw it reconvene then on that day.

Picking it again, via choice and not necessity, is a sign of a cluelessness. It is with much hope that we pray that the healing powers contained in the spa bath of Lennoxtown is warming the cockles of The Loovenator.

The Caldwell and Mick show for the sake of humanity should be put down, buried in a deep pit, petrol poured on the lifeless corpse and set alight like it is a disease ridden cow.

That's covered the bad and ugly of internationals. Let's end this sermon on a good note. Niall McGinn.

A MOTM performance against Serbia - a decent side that like all Eastern European teams have that knack of playing at walking pace but zipping through the gears when needed and who do the simple things like pass the ball to each other really well - when he took apart the Serbian fullback apart.

I was reminded of a young Joe Miller before he succumbed to inevitable average disease one which inflicts most promising Scots youngsters.

He was described as willow the wisp, a jackal and a ferret by the sound of sexually excited commentators in the Province.

At one point they mused surely clubs top clubs must looking at McGinn and be impressed.

Suitably offended I was.

Hit The Giroud

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 04:02:14 -0500

I don't know anything about the standard of play in the French Ligue 2. A paper seems to think that our under pressure gaffer does.

Olivier Giroud is a 23 year old hitman who has caught the attention of several European clubs. According to the paper that is known for exclusive scoops as it taps telephones Celts manager Mogga has told chief executive Peter Lawwell that the 6ft 3 ace is his No1 transfer window target.

Paul Caddis has been speaking to the same paper. He moans I don't think I've ever played two games in a row. I've never started an SPL game at Celtic and then takes the hint by saying that moving on might be best for him.

Other made up tat sees WBA offering us money for Gary Caldwell and an old story about Big Eck fancying Aiden McGeady. I'm sure he is not the only one.

Have a good Sunday.

Around In The World in 4 Rumours.

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 04:04:41 -0500

That was the week that was.

A week when a tape became the most sought after piece of sound recording since Osama Bin Laden released his version of The Beatles I Am The Walrus with two henchmen on pan pipes. His X-Factor style tribute to disco is sure to have pop pickers searching those Pakistan caves.

I heard a rumour that if the BBC sound recording of game at Westfield is played backwards you get message that says This Is Satan, I need a Loaf but don't go to Morrisons as their bread is not fresh.

It's Saturday and do I have video delights.

Ki Sung Yong is awaiting a work permit - since he is not from Dalmarnock and has worked it shouldn't be a problem - and the deal has been confirmed by the movers and shakers and they will be patting themselves on the back after, what has been described as, an entrepreneurial capture.

Next up is Yuto Nagatomo. A full back who comes with the warning that he is comfortable on either flank. Rated in the £1.5m to £2m bracket rumours that FC Tokyo and Celtic have discussed business.

Icelandic central defender Solvi Ottesen. The Danish rags say Celtic vil give 4,2 millioner for Sölvi Ottesen. Who are we to argue with such incisive reporting? His video comes with the porntastic title Hard Hardare.

Suitable for adults only.

Leon Best plays for Coventry and is Irish. Add in the fact that he is out of contract next summer then we have all the ingredients to make a Celtic Target after 30 mins in a fan assisted oven.

Here is some footage of him scoring goals in Hoops.

Finally...Senijad Ibricic the Hajduk Split attacking midfielder will be getting watched by someone in a Celtic tracksuit who will taking notes this evening when he lines up for Bosnia against Portugal. The Hot Property of Bosnian football according to guys who play Football Manager.

Viewing delights for a boring international weekend. Lets build up our hopes then feel the crushing disappointment when they sign for Blackburn or Bolton.

The Curse Of The International

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 10:34:48 -0500

The only irony in this not unexpected news is it's announced before a meaningless international bounce game.

John Kennedys star was in the ascent in 2004 when a cowards challenge from Romanian Ionel Ganea -a game in which Kennedy was winning his first and only Scotland Cap - robbed him of 3 years of his career.

A run of games in the first team at that time had us whispering future captain but that night at an empty Hampden has ended that notion.

From that point John had a season ticket for Doctor Steadmans clinic in America.

He made a successful comeback in 2007. Played against Kilmarnock on the 22nd April on the day we clinched two in a row. He had a stalwart performance in Moscow that August but was stretchered off against Donestk in November after jumping for a ball and twisting his knee.

I remember thinking then that his game was up.

After another false start on loan at Norwich the 26 year old has retired on medical advice.

In this time of defensive mediocre this really is a case of what might have been. I'm also sporting a healthy distaste of internationals at this time

I'm sure Celtic will see him right and good luck for the future.

The Computer Say's No

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 07:33:50 -0500

Peter Scudamore Yesterday

The result was not unexpected but the manner and tone of the statement was a surprise, if not, set up for future egg-on-the-faceness.

Much tabloid trash word-play has been used on the words not desirable or viable. They have took the not desirable and multiplied it by the lowest common denominator, which suits their readership.

Yes, we were not desirable to those and such as we are a threat. A great big threat to their cosy tea party. They would be no longer top dogs in attracting low rent foreigners and paying them top dollar or over-paying lower rent Englishmen top dollar for being from good stock.

They ignored the viable part as that just isn't part of a good story. Of course it's not viable as the suits who run the world game would have something to say about it.

And they have their own definition of viable. What the TV Companies or The Big 8 tell them is.

The joke in the whole thing is the statement has come from chairmen who claim to be batting for the good of the English game and protecting heritage.

The cat is let out of the bag when Richard Scudamore speaks. This is the same man that wanted to create Premier League fairgrounds and wanted the infamous game 39.

He spoke about tradition a few months back while deep down he would let Wayne Rooney batter seal cubs to death live on Sky if it promoted his brand.

So where do we go from here? What we should have done in the first place.

Marc Crosas named the game. Entertainment.

We are gagged and bound by a terrible TV Deal at the moment. Let's ensure when the new deal is up for grabs that we have the wears on the field that makes going alone the only show in town.

A product Sky will pay us and us only for. An individual deal that see's us get what we think we are worth.

We shouldn't need to move to achieve that.

That utopia has to start in January.

Self Preservation Society

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 05:55:49 -0500

The Big Wigs from the those Big Clubs that bath in swimming pools full of Sky's money while busty maidens whisper: "Youse are great, best league in the world despite Rory Delap and Phil Brown" in their ears are meeting today to discuss the future of the game.

Future of the game is code for "Lets Make More Money."

Bolton's chief banjo plucker will propose that they create a 2 tier EPL (The 2nd tier called: "Greed Is Good 2nd Division") with Celtic and Them being invited to ~~join the party~~ wallow in the ungodly gains

Some big hitters have been muting the point. David Moyes was all for it (knowing that his career has stagnated at Everton and without any chance of getting a Top 4 job Celtic in England would be an attractive prospect), Lord Twitch Of Arry agreed (looking at 12 points per season) and Saint Martin Of O'Neill said, after 20 minutes of rambling, that it would be tremendous.

TalkSPORT took up the baton to canvas the opinion of the nation. All they proved that they are the market leaders at peddling half hearted pish, mistruths and pander to Daily Mail stereotypes.

There has been millions of words, hundreds of thousands of pages written by guys with degrees, diplomas and qualifications in brainy-as-fuckness who still haven't got a handle on Celtic and Them.

What hope do Adrian Durham and Stan Collymore have then to give a balanced argument basing their views on what their researcher had got from a Google search?

Their we don't want that sort of hatred down here is based on ignorance. Anything that is not black and white confuses most watchers and over the last few days it has confused the populace.

They can't accept that Liverpool v Man Utd, Arsenal v Spurs, Chelsea v West Ham, Chelsea v Anybody, Birmingham v Villa is the same as Celtic v Them.

It's easy to pigeon hole the hatred reasons for the others but not us and the hatred generated in those games is just as intense. I have read things between Liverpool and Man Yoo fans that would make even the most Scottish Bigot blush.

Spurs v Arsenal. The mention of Sol Campbell should have those shock jocks running to the hills.

West Ham v Millwall. Haven't seen to many pitch invasions up here recently.

Increase in violence is another stick that the plan gets hit with.

Most club's Mockney-Stone-Island-Wearing-Danny-Dyers are also part of the no surrender loyalist brigade. Celtic a club where we are very open about our Irish heritage will be like a red rag to a bull.

A visit to certain towns and stadiums (Second Hand Fridge?) will be testing, for want of a better word, for the travelling support.

Them? A recent list of misdemeanours are: Munich, Rotterdam, Manchester, Pamplona, Barcelona, Bucharest, Birmingham, Newcastle, Sunderland, Fulham, Villarreal.......a record that speaks for itself.

They will be looking to test their credentials against the best.

So maybe there would be an initial increase but as soon as travelling numbers diminished (Preston on a Monday night anyone?) then it's not a problem.

For me these are sideshows the main point and why I think it will be kyboshed is that Celtic would be a useful as a priest jacked up on Viagra in a nunnery if they dropped into England in their current state.

We wouldn't threaten Doncaster or Blackpool nevermind the higher reaches.

We would not bring anything to the party apart from increased revenue.

Hey, that's the point for all parties though.

Unrating the players: Mute Edition.

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 07:28:42 -0500

Falkirk Subs Warm Up

Could Sky instead of switching off the sound not just switched off the pictures for the watching millions?

It would have saved 90 mins of acute embarrassment for us:;playing against a team made up from names in Gary Glitters address book and a waiter from Portugal.

Falkirk made matters worse by bringing on a sub who was as old and had as much mobility as Madge from Benidorm and they still snatched a draw from what should have been the muddy paws of victory.

How do you rate a team that showed so much commitment to suicide that they should be flying to Pakistan for Jihad training?

Quite easy.

Cool Hand Luka 0

Should have and could have done better.

Handy Andy 0

German was rightly out of sorts

Heid 0

Villain, Hero to Villain in the space of 13 minutes. Bit like Jaws in the James Bond film. Bad guy with a good heart.

Loovens 0

As restricted in movement as Anne Frank.

Fox In Our Box 1

Great cross for Skippy. Has learned the Sammy: "FFS" wavy hands dance after we lose goals.

Aiden: 0

You look like the missing brother from Jedward. You are setting about proving you have as much talent.

N'Guemo: 0

Good game, bad game, good game bad game...(continue until end of season)

Robson: -2

Great first audition for Middlesborough.

Derry Diego:: 0

Old club just got banned from playing football. So did he it seems.

MAF: -1

Too early to shout expensive flop. We can think it though.

Sammy: -2

Had a great 30 seconds. His girlfriend agreed. Fannying about was a term invented for him.

Subs

McManus: -4

Lost 3 goals in 45 mins with him on the park. Go figure.

Skippy: 4

Our Boydy. Proved his worth and uselessness in a cameo performance. Two goals and a complete mis-control (which saw the ball go out for a shy) when bearing down on goal in injury time.

ZZ: 0

Little impact.

The Boss: 0

Little he can do when all his wares are rough round the edges. More passengers than British Airways. Officially his reign can be termed frustrating and he's afforded more leeway as last season is still fresh in the mind.

Poppy Poppycock

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 03:53:42 -0500

The Scottish news ran with a story last night that Celtic Football Club had stated that if any fans had deliberately disrupted Sunday's minute silence then they had no place at our football club.

Not much more to say really. They can do nothing. The games ruling bodies can't do anything as despite the want of some protesting is not illegal and either is making a noise during a minutes silence.

I am 100% behind the right of the people to protest. I am also 100% disgusted at the lack of intelligence and decency shown in the form that the protest took.

Over recent the years there has been an advent of Poppy Fascism as sections of the media, the Government and the armed forces use our World War dead as political pawns in a campaign to gain support for an illegal and unjust war that over 1m people marched against in 2003 and also our involvement in the mess that is Afghanistan.

It's worked and reached such a stupor that media outlets can receive thousands and thousands of complaints when a presenter doesn't wear a poppy, when football clubs refuse to wear poppies on their shirts or a radio station can be deluged in e-mails and text when a poppy falls off a players shirt in an attempt to provoke outrage at them.

The poppy has become the new wrist band. If you don't wear one then you kill puppies and drown cats. You can't have a different view.

There has been much beating of the Celtic support as a whole over this and a lot of it has been misguided, which always happens when the national press decide to tackle issues concerning us.

Completing a Rubik Cube, blindfolded, underwater, arms and legs tied together, in a body bag with no oxygen is probably easier than trying to explain the elements that make up our support.

Talksport peddled some mistruths last night. The presenters said the noise was inside the ground while all evidence and newswires say it was outside.

A couple of deluded Celtic fans said that the noise was due to a delay coming into the ground. Well, they can keep telling themselves that and I bet they still believe in Santa and the Easter Bunny.

The song being sung was Aiden McAnespie. A non-sectarian song about a young man who was murdered at a British Army check point in Norn Iron. The song lists other contentious moments in British Army history.

Dress me as a women and call me Sandra if that song choice wasn't deliberate or timely.

The other angle taken by one organ is that it was a sectarian protest. I have noticed that it's gone into the semantics of the definition of sectarian.

I will ask then if the song was about a the British Army murdering innocent Afghans then would he say it was sectarian?

Anyway, my beef is with the politicians as always. I watched the Andrew Marr show and there was a young soldier on it who had lost both his legs and an arm in Afghanistan.

The person who sent him there is sitting in our directors box. Irony eh?

Have we not been invited to the EPL yet?

How To Not Win Friends And Relegate Teams

Mon, 9 Nov 2009 06:59:20 -0500

Lowlights only available to UK Users at the moment

Lowlight, available to all.

Oh deary me.

Terrible on and outside the park.

I am all for protest and free speech but when you fail to engage your brain then sympathy for your cause leaves all those with a passing interest. The mentality of some was highlighted when they gave Sky- who muted the protest- the money shot after a 'fan' threw a scarf on the pitch at the final whistle.

It was a car crash performance. Problem I have is not performance (they happen..quite a lot) but the FACT that with 12 minutes left we were a goal up against a team that are bottom of the league. Good teams see that out after that level of performance.

Champions see out those circumstances.

Falkirk are getting fitted for their 1st Division suits. They will threaten Gretnas lowest point total. But..missing 7 players they took to the field with a team so young that their mothers were standing on the touchline supplying wet wipes for dirty knees.

They will have been poking their friends on Bebo last night saying "We rocked" while arranging to go to the pictures.

They will probably struggle to score 3 goals in the rest of the season nevermind in 1 game. Some of their fans are only one protestant gene away from Airdrie fans. They will be celebrating as if they won the World Cup or a years supply of Dove.

The horror show is up top for all to see.

We can wallow in the sloppiness of all 3 goals we lost. Did our players really want to hear Ama - fucking - rilo that many times? Watch 2 international defenders do a fantastic Chuckle Brothers impression, to me, to you, to me while one of them forgets the offside rule.

Why were we poor? Westfield has all the atmosphere and intimidation factor of a Sunday School picnic. Now, the auld Brockville had character and was rightly describe as a shit hole and we got our arses felt there a few times.

Westfield just seems like a place we can't be bothered with. It's like a nasty itch that we are hoping will go away if we ignore it long enough and we don't need Thrush cream. Well, we got rid of Inverness that way.

Feels unfair to highlight some imposters in a collective display that amounted to the sum of glad we got away with a pointness.

I can hear the sharpening of knives and the picking of scapegoats as we speak. If I was trying to provoke argument then surely a game where we miss a penalty- and rebound - score 3 goals away from home, their goalie gets MOTM and our Greek striker gets flagged offside wrongly in injury time when mano o mano with the goalie then you would expect us to be quite happy?

We have two weeks to pick this scab. I think it may be infected by the time we take to the field again.