Brazilian striker Adriano has sensationally been sacked by Inter Milan as punishment for leaving a number of rude messages on coach Jose Mourinho’s answer phone…

 

Please note that this story is satirical…

Adriano has had a miserable past few years both on-and-off the pitch, but he had appeared to be getting his life and career back on track since returning from a loan spell at Sao Paulo in the summer.

L’Imperatore started the new European season promisingly, scoring three goals in all competitions. However, he then reverted to his old bad habits by clubbing with Ronaldinho until the early hours of Monday morning. This infuriated Inter coach Jose Mourinho, who dropped Adriano from his squad to play Fiorentina in midweek when the striker also turned up late for training on Tuesday. There were widespread reports in the media that the pair’s relationship was beyond repair and that Adriano could be offloaded in January.

It now appears that the 26-year-old has indeed played his last ever game for the club as Inter sensationally released a statement this morning saying that they have sacked Adriano for gross misconduct.

The statement read: “Internazionale would like to announce that they have parted company with Adriano Leite Ribeiro following a most unfortunate incident involving him and Jose Mourinho. We have no more to add on this matter at this time.”

This ‘most unfortunate incident’ occurred in the early hours of this morning when Adriano recorded a number of vulgar messages on Mourinho’s answer phone.

The Brazilian had been out partying in the fashion capital, and he was lucky enough to pick up a fine-looking ragazza named Gabriela. The pair retired to the footballer’s luxurious Hilton Milan hotel room at Via Luigi Galvani, and Adriano prepared himself for a return to action.

However, Gabriela was proving to be a tough defender to crack, and she demanded that Adriano do something to impress her. The Brazilian juggled with an orange, performed one-armed press-ups, and showed off his latest barbed-wire tattoo, but still the young lady wasn’t stirred. It was then that Gabriela suggested that Adriano ring up Mourinho, and tell the Portuguese that he loved him.

“I can’t do that,” said a stunned Adriano. “I would get the sack.”

“Come on Adri,” Gabriela replied, while stroking her hair suggestively. “If you like me, you will do it.”

This was enough to convince the easily-led Adriano, who immediately dialled Mourinho’s mobile number from the bed-side telephone. The call went straight through to the coach’s answer phone, Adriano waited for the beep, before bellowing out the famous Stevie Wonder song…

“I just called to say I love you. I just called to say how much I care. I just called to say I love you. And I mean it from the bottom of my heart.”

To this, Gabriela remarked: “That was funny, but you have to do more than that to impress me. Ring him back and say that he is a rubbish coach, and that unless he plays you against Reggina you are going to beat him up.”

Adriano once again obliged, and so he rung Mourinho for a second time.

“Hey, punk,” he slurred.

“Ignore the first call. I don’t really love you. Do you know who I am? I am ‘The Emperor’! Now listen very carefully, either you play me on Saturday, or I am going to wipe that smug grin off your face."
 
“Much, much better,” Gabriella grinned.

“However, your mission is not yet complete. Ring him up one more time, and invite him round to our hotel room.”

Adriano this time flatly refused, citing that he was probably already in enough trouble. The feisty Gabriela wouldn’t take no for an answer though. She grabbed the phone, hit the redial button before whispering, “Jose, you won’t know who this is. My name is Gabriela, but you can call me what you like.

“Come up to my hotel room on Via Luigi Galvani 12. Room 433, just like your favourite formation. I’m waiting for you to give me a ‘Special One’.”

Mourinho discovered all these messages on his answer phone this morning, and immediately notified President Massimo Moratti, who wasted no time in tearing up Adriano’s contract.

The player himself has yet to comment on the matter, and indeed it is possible that he is still unaware that he has been sacked. Adriano failed to show up to training, his mobile phone is switched off, while the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign is still up on the outside of his hotel room.

Journalists have managed to obtain the full identity of the girl who accompanied him during this distasteful act. Her full name is Gabriela Galliani, a 21-year-old student, who is studying to become an actress at the University of Milan. It is not yet known if she is related to AC Milan topdog Adriano Galliani, although the transfer guru, who persuaded Ronaldinho to take his compatriot clubbing in order to anger Mourinho, has in the last few hours admitted that he would “welcome Adriano at Milanello with open arms, should he wish to join”.

Europe’s premier club competition is now well underway and 32 of the continent’s finest teams are all still in the running to reach the knockout phase next year. Mark Pickering assesses the credentials of three of the more noteworthy teams in this year's edition of the Champions League...

The tournament, which enters group Match Day Three on November 4th, is replete with squads that are the envy of world football and features no less than eight previous Champions League winners.  

While there’s the usual cast of mainstays like Real Madrid, Barcelona and Manchester United, who are synonymous with the competition, there are also some little-known newcomers and returning sides in this year’s European showpiece.  

Three of the most intriguing entrants are Spanish standouts Atlético Madrid, Cypriot newcomers Anorthosis Famagusta and Romanian debutants CFR Cluj.

The headline-grabbing trio have already made a splash in this year’s competition and are well placed to reach December’s draw for the knockout stages.  

Atlético are participating in the tournament for the eleventh time in their history and are intent on making up for lost time with their last appearance in the competition coming over a decade ago.  

Serbian Radomir Antić guided the Los Colchoneros to a famous league and cup double in 1996 and a much coveted Champions League berth.  

The double winners had a squad brimming with talent including Argentine legend Diego Simeone, Serbian playmaker Milinko Pantić, Madrid native Juan Manuel López and his widely popular countryman Kiko.  

The Spanish side won their group ahead of eventual competition winners Borussia Dortmund but narrowly lost out 4-3 to defending champions Ajax in the quarter finals.  

Twelve years on and the Spaniards have a squad reminscent of their class of 1996.

Now under the stewardship of Mexican Javier Aguirre, whose best known for guiding perennial strugglers Osasuana to the brink of the Champions League, Atletico are well placed domestically and gearing towards European honours.  

The star-laden squad has a strong Argentine influence with 20-year-old prodigy Sergio Aguero, captain Maxi Rodriguez, veteran keeper Leo Franco, on loan midfielder Ever Banega as well as naturalised Spaniard Mariano Pernia.

Aguirre’s ranks also prominently feature a Spanish core with namesakes Luis and Raul Garcia and their compatriot Antonio Lopez also holding key roles.  

The Mexican coach invested well in the summer, boosting his squad with a string of shrewd signings including Ajax’s John Heitinga, former French number one Gregory Coupet from Lyon, Czech captain Tomas Ujfalusi and Porto’s Paulo Assunção.  

Their timely spending spree added much needed depth to the squad and all but ensured Atletico would be a force to be reckoned with this term. That has proved the case as the La Liga side produced a highly polished performance to convincingly beat PSV Eindhoven 3-0 in Holland in their opener and followed up with a gutsy 2-1 win at the Vincente Calderon against Marseille.  

Now Atletico lead the way in Group D with maximum points and have a mouthwatering double header against Fernando Torres’ Liverpool in their sights which will likely decide who finishes top of the group.  

With such a talented squad, an ambitious president and the astute Javier Aguirre at the helm the Spanish side were expected to perform admirably in their return to the competition but brushing aside Champions League regulars PSV and Marseille with such ease has raised eybrows.  

Atletico will keen to test their mettle against Liverpool and could well torment their former idol Torres.   

Elsewhere newboys Anorthosis Famagusta, who became the first ever Cypriot side to reach the group stage and are one of the least fancied teams in the competition, are heroically topping Group B.

The little-known Cypriots overcome Greek giants Panathinaikos by three goals to one this week after a hard fought goalless draw away at Werder Bremen on Match Day One.  

Their resolute performance in Germany is the more commendable of their two impressive results as they kept out a free-scoring Werder Bremen side that had scored 18 goals in their previous six Bundesliga games and thumped Bayern Munich 5-2 a fortnight ago.  

Despite their stellar start to their first ever Champions League campaign their efforts have gone largely unnoticed.  

The Old Lady, who are coached by charismatic Georgian Temuri Ketsbaia, might be newcomers to European competition at the highest level but they do boast a wealth of international experience in terms of personnel and some familiar names.  

Former Real Madrid and Brazil star Savio, much travelled former Bordeaux man Paula Costa, former Portsmouth midfielder Giannis Skopelitis and towering Greek defender Traianos Dellas, once of AS Roma, all ply their trade with the Cypriot Champions.  

They may not be household names or at the height of their careers but collectively form a cohesive side who are relishing their first foray in the Champions League.  

The Cypriots have a daunting couple of games against Italian giants Inter ahead but will take heart from their two group games so far and strive to remain in the hunt for an unlikely place in the next round.  

Fellow newcomers CFR Cluj-Napoca have been the darlings of the tournament so far and attracted plaudits as well as unprecedented mainstream attention after beating AS Roma in Italy and holding last year’s finalists Chelsea to a stalemate.  

The Romanian Champions, who have an international flavour with ten South American players on their books, five Portuguese, three Ivorians, a Canadian and a handful of Romanians, have wildly exceeded expections.   

The Champions League newcomers stunned Roma in their first game in the competition with a deserved 2-1 victory at the Stadio Olimpico and in doing so sent shockwaves through European football.  

CFR Cluj proved their result in Italy was far from a fortunate one by taking the game to Chelsea in Romania and could well have emerged with all three points.

Six years ago they were among footballing backwaters in the the third tier of Romanian football - now they’ve become the first team from outside Bucharest to win Liga 1 in 17 years and are more than holding their own against Europe’s elite.  

The latest chapter in their meteoric rise is being overseen by Italian coach Maurizio Trombetta who will be looking for more of the same in the crucial double header against bottom placed Bordeaux. 

Mark Pickering

Sunderland manager Roy Keane has opened the door for a sensational swoop to bring former arch-rival Patrick Vieira to the club from Inter Milan. In his playing days at Manchester United, Keane had some monumental tussles on the pitch with the then Arsenal midfielder.

Catania director Pietro Lo Monaco has launched a sensational attack on Jose Mourinho’s arrogance and lack of respect by declaring that the Inter coach deserves a “smack in the mouth”.

Inter defeated Catania 2-1 at San Siro on Saturday evening in a hugely controversial game that the ten-man Nerazzurri only won thanks to a goal that appeared to have not crossed the line.

Mourinho’s quotes both before and after the match have upset and angered Catania, who believe that the tactician is showing a lack of respect to his adversaries.

Prior to the game, Mourinho stated: "We want to win, we have to win and I think we will win because we're better, both as a team and on an individual level.”

After the 2-1 win, the Portuguese then commented: “Catania played their game, but the right result should have been 3-1, 4-1, or 5-1.”

In a quite explosive response, Catania director Pietro Lo Monaco has launched an incredible attack on Mourinho.

“Someone who says these kind of things does not have respect for his adversaries,” roared Lo Monaco.

“He doesn’t respect the host nation [Italy], or the coaches. He could have avoided what he said and answering back was too easy.

"He should think about his own problems. If he does not win this year, he should pack his suitcase and go back to his own country.

“Mourinho is simply someone who should be smacked in the mouth."

It remains to be seen what response these explosive statements provoke from Inter, but one thing is clear and that is that Mourinho’s popularity in Italy is decreasing by the day.

Luca Capofranco