Y'alreet?

Man City have dominated the news today, first off by declaring that they have ended their interest in wantaway Barcelona striker Samuel Eto'o. Eto'o was allegedly asking for Barca to give him much of the transfer fee they would receive for relinquishing his services, so they would effectively be paying one of their star players to leave. A canny businessman if there ever was one that Eto'o fella.

Undeterred, City have immediately turned their efforts to signing rivals Manchester United's former striker, Carlos Tevez, in a deal reported to be finalised 'within the week'. Tevez says, regarding moving to a "If I play for Manchester City I don't think the United fans will feel I am a traitor" which is possibly the most misguided state of mind since Glenn Hoddle thought 'telling disabled people that they deserve it, what harm could that do?'

John 'Mr Chelsea' Terry, one of the most highly paid players on the planet, is reportedly 'tempted' by Man City, feeling that he deserves even more money and that Chelsea lack the same ambitiousness as himself, and thus, not content at being the reason Chelsea lost the Champions League two seasons back, he feels that he must move on to the dizzying heights of a club in no European competition whatsoever next season.

Alan Shearer is said to be 'tearing his hair out in frustration' at the situation surrounding Newcastle as his transfer dealings are being hampered by owner, Mike Ashley who continues to no avail in his attempts to try and sell the club for £2.50 and some Tesco discount vouchers.

Said frustration is allegedly so high that Shearer is considering walking out of the club, something that is bound to dismay Geordie fans as Big Al did such an excellent job in helping the Toon escape relegation last season. If it weren't for him, they'd be suffering in the Championship now, having to sell their best players and make do with serial bellend Joey Barton right now! Hang about...

And finally, José Mourinho dropped a bombshell this morning, like Poirot often does when he has solved a particularly challenging mystery, when he announced that Carlo Ancelotti is not in fact Prince Charles, something which had no doubt being confusing tourists outside Buckingham Palace for weeks. Presumably.

Right that's yer lot for today,

Cheers,

Tristan.

Many a question surrounds Tristan. Questions such as: "Where has he been?", "Did he ever leave us?" and overwhemingly "Who's Tristan?".

He is here to answer none of these questions and instead is going to try and address what has happened in the footballing world while he's been away and will henceforth stop talking in the third person:

Previously failed Real Madrid president Florentino Perez of the 'Galactico' era has returned to his old post and set about doing exactly the same thing as he attempted last time he was in charge (when he achieved three glorious trophyless seasons, the longest in Madrid's history) by attempting to buy every single player in the world for extortionate prices. Even veteran journeyman Steve Claridge looks set to join Madrid in a lucrative £42 million deal from Setanta Sports punditry team.

In this month's FourFourTwo Magazine Perez's move was described as 'Groundhog Presidency' which I found humorous and I attempted to think of my own witticism on the subject but could sadly think of none and thus you will have to make do with this tedious and drawn out story about how I tried to think of a clever synoptic phrase but failed, followed by an apology. Sorry.

Manchester United have managed to adequetly replace the world's best player Cristiano Ronaldo and Carlos Tevez with Antonio Valencia and, um, Michael Owen. I'll rephrase that: Manchester United have replaced the world's best player Cristiano Ronaldo and Carlos Tevez with Antonio Valencia and Michael Owen.

Elsewhere, Geordie 'saviour' Alan Sherear neglected to save Newcastle United from relegation, prompting Ant & Dec to burst into tear, a state which they have yet to recover from.

Girondins Bordeaux ended Lyon's 265 year tyranny of Ligue Un by claiming the French title and causing one reporter to tentatively claim that French football was "not boring" and that "different teams" could present a "challenge" to the champions in the following season. Tristan predicts that Bordeaux will go on to win Ligue Un for at least the next 16 years or so. 

Andy Townsend stopped being a twat.

Anyhow, on to today's news and Rafa Benitez has once again complained that Liverpool do not have the spending power of teams such as Manchester United and Manchester City and that this is unfair as his team was assembled in exchange for some old buttons and a piece of string and that the big kids keep saying his goatee looks shit, before launching what must be a monumental bid and for football's most currently sought after player Franck Ribery.

Meanwhile Man City continue their attempts to lure John Terry away from Stamford Bridge by strategically placing a trail of JT's favourite sweets (lemon bonbons) from outside his house all the way to the City of Manchester Stadium (and possibly something about making him the highest payed player on the planet was mentioned as well, but I'm fairly sure the bonbons idea was the main focus of the story).

Finally, Hull playmaker Geovanni has offered an insight into the exhilarating lifestyle of a modern footballer by revealing that in his spare time he likes nothing more than preaching sermons, counting individual sawdust grains and watching blades of grass move in the wind whilst listening to Teddy Sheringham match analysis on his iPod.

That's all for now

Cheers.