So it's that time of the season where everyone makes season unlikely predictions again...

Huzzah! Anyhow, I thought I'd give it a try, here are my unlikely predictions for the 2008/09 season...

August

Most of the focus this month has been on Cristiano Ronaldo who's been involved in the 'Summer's Biggest Transfer Saga!™' a spot previously occupied by Thierry Henry, Steven Gerrard and erm, Emile Heskey. Real Madrid attempt to step up their bid by asking each of Ronaldo's family members to hold a gun to their heads and procclaim that they will shoot themselves should he not sign for them. Cristiano attempts to drop subtle hints to the press with comments like "I love playing in a white kit", "My favourite sausages are made in Madrid" and "I want to play for Real Madrid". Sadly for Ronaldo, the deal doesn't go through after Alex Ferguson barricades him in a closet for the rest of the month and fends off Madrid officials with a big stick, however the closet plan backfires when an explosive detonates inside the closet as Rio Ferdinand runs into the room whooping and yelling "you've been merked!" and puts Cristiano out for 9 months, ruining a lot of people's Fantasy Football teams.

Elsewhere, after failing to seduce Barca, Arsenal and Tottenham into signing him, Andrey Arshavin takes out a five page newspaper spread announcing his love for Hull City; who also pass up the chance to sign him.

Match Of The Day gets under way again with messrs Hansen, Lawro and Shearer predicting the title will go to Chelsea or Manchester United and rule everyone else out of the title race, yet set aside 30 minutes of discussion for Hansen to criticise Rafa Benitez and saying his catchphrase: "We've seen this time and time again" on archive footage of the Liverpool back four bollocksing up. Alan Shearer repeats Hansen's words almost word for word but occasionally adding in his own catchphrase; "And that just about somes up their day" into the mix.

Gareth Barry tells the press that he wants a move to Liverpool and calls Aston Villa manager, Martin O'Neill, a 'tosspot'. Liverpool pull out of the deal at the last minute and Villa fans pelt Barry with dog shit in their next game.

Spurs fans, excited at the money they've wasted on players during the transfer window and by Juande Ramos' sensational 11th place finish last season, predict that their team will "definitely finish in the top four this year".

Arsenal add to their youth squad by buying Chislehurst Primary School, Sunderland buy every Tottenham reserve and Portsmouth buy the country of Kenya and yet fail to buy anyone to cover for when the African Cup of Nations takes place in two years time.

Keen to follow Gretna's example Hope Valley Premier Division outfit Brampton FC, who almost border Scotland, join the Scottish League and thanks to an administrative mishap are instated in the SPL

September

Newcastle take a suprise lead in the league under new manager Kevin Keegan with his latest token eccentric South American nutjob striker Jonás "Spiderman" Gutiérrez scoring 8 goals in his first 5 games and molesting a cow.

Brampton get off to a good SPL campaign, losing all of the first few matches.

Andrey Arshavin decides to aim lower and errects a billboard in Nottingham declaring his love for Nottingham Forrest.

Manchester United get off to 'their worst start in ages' so say the press after they draw with 'minnows' Chelsea and only scrape a 1-0 victory over 'nondescript' Liverpool. United fans vent their frustration by calling for the sacking of Alex Ferguson.

Meanwhile, Phil Scolari's trusty tactic of having his team constantly give the ball to their best player, a tactic which had previously worked with Fat Ronaldo, Ronaldinho and Cristiano Ronaldo at Brazil and Portugal, comes unstuck when he names Shaun Wright Phillips as the best player yet fails to pick him week in week out. This results in Chelsea players constantly shanking the ball towards the bench and consequently they lose to Stoke.

October

Liverpool's title challenge comes to an abrupt end for the 18th year in a row after £20.3 million signing, Robbie Keane turns out to be useless and Fernando Torres' legs fall off. Alan Hansen can't resist a "We've seen this time and time again" over footage of said leg incident. Even progression from the Champions League Group Stage looks unlikely for the Reds.

Brampton keep up their good form by losing all of their October fixtures.

Man City's new manager Mark Hughes gains no admirers of the 'Beautiful Game' by having his side break the legs of at least 6 players, as City chairman Thaksin Shinawatra protests his innocence against the human rights abuse reports alleged against him whilst stamping on a kitten.

Phil Scolari ingeniously changes his target man to Didier Drogba, but his other foolproof tactic of holding out for penalties fails due to their lack of presence in the Premier League.

November

It becomes evident that Hull will be relegated after so far only winning their opening game against Fulham. Speculators wonder if they will be able to beat Derby's all time low points record of 11.

Also involved in the relegation battle are Bolton, with last year's saviour Gary Megson being fired and Glenn Hoddle being appointed in his place. "I'm certain I've picked the right man to help us narrowly avoid relegation again this year!" squeals delighted chairman Eddie Davies.

Middlesborough's Mido becomes so large that he requires wheels to be added to his obese body to trundle around the pitch.

Brampton keep on losing and are knocked out every cup competition.

Chelsea slowly start to win games after Didier Drogba converts one hoofed long ball every game and sit back and defend for the duration.

Newcastle's Joey Barton is released from prison but immediately gets incarcerated again the next day after stealing an old lady's Tesco shopping. "I'm sure the gaffer will let me off this once, I swear this is the last time I'll get locked up" he tells the press.

December

Needing to win their final Champions League group game but finding themselves drawing with Welsh giants Total Network Solutions Limited (who have miraculously qualified through winning the Welsh Premier League and getting through the qualifiers) and looking destined to crash out, Liverpool captain 'marvel' Steven Gerrard, after having sat down in the middle of the pitch for 89 minutes decides to stand up and punts the ball as hard as he can. As luck would have it, the ball lands in the top corner, and Liverpool proceed through to the next round, with the media falling over themselves to state Gerrard's 'heroic' performance'.

Brampton continue losing games.

Glenn Hoddle's Bolton campaign gets off to a bad start after he again insults disabled people and then the whole of Lancashire with his comments about karma.

Tottenham fans still hold hopes of a top four finish with Juande Ramos currently steering them to a useful 16th place.

Newcastle find themselves a top the table still with madman Jonás Gutiérrez scoring 35 goals in his first 12 games and marrying an Aldi supermarket.

Lyon look already destined to win Ligue Un for the 78th year in a rowzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Manchester United fans, upset by their team's 7-0 victory over 'unexceptional' AC Milan riot outside Old Trafford and set fire to John O'Shea.

January

The halfway point of the season brings with it another transfer window with which Andrey Arshavin uses to poor affect, using a skywriter plane to show his affection for possible suitors Carlisle, who also pass up on the opportunity to sign him.

In the SPL, the bookies' favourites to win are as always Celtic and Rangers, with the only team they think could mount a serious challenge being media darlings Brampton, despite winning no games so far and not really deserving to even be in the SPL.

Fans of Serie A are yet to see a single victory with every match so far ending in a draw.

Hull stay firmly rooted to the bottom, still with 3 points. The jury is still out on whether they can surpass Derby's record.

There's dismay for Portsmouth as organisers of the African Cup Of Nations decide to bring the competition ahead a year and the whole squad leaves to join up with their respective nations. A distraught Harry Redknapp is forced to field members of his family. Luckily for Pompey Jamie Redknapp appears to still be quite good and his wife Louise proves quite handy too and they go unbeaten this month.

Gareth Barry tells the media that he wants to move to Liverpool, calling Martin O'Neill a 'poohead'. Villa fans pelt him with bags of piss and even a urinal at their next game. 

With Newcastle still at the top, Hansen and Shearer suddenly decide to switch their predictions to the Geordies and make sure not to mention their previous Manchester United/Chelsea predictions.

Blackburn boss Paul Ince decides to give old mate and summer signing Robbie Fowler a run out. Fowler collapses just 26 seconds into his debut claiming a blocked nose and a bit of a sore throat. He swiftly catches a plane to Barbados to see out the rest of the season 'in recovery' still claiming his £40k a week wages.

Last season's FA Cup finalists, Cardiff City defeat Northwich Victoria and Accrington Stanley in their first two FA Cup matches, with the Welsh media falling over themselves in the possibility that they could repeat their incredible feat.

February

The England squad make progress towards the 2010 World Cup having ground out a victory in every game of their qualifiers so far. However, fans complain that the football isn't 'sexy' enough and a joke campaign to get supermodel Naomi Campbell instated as manager starts on Facebook. The FA, keen to keep in touch with the fans duly oblidge. "At least the manager's English" remarks one xenophobe fan.

Joey Barton is released from prison once again and claims himself 'a changed man'. Later that day he holds up a bank and is sent down for 3 years. "I'm sure the gaffer will forgive me, it was an honest mistake" he tells the media after being arrested.

Wigan, who have looked like they would be able to safely avoid relegation all season come a cropper when they field Titus Bramble for the first time this season. He promptly scores 9 own goals, injures 5 team mates and gets the team docked 38 points after he clatters into an old man in the stands and paralyzes him. "Surely nobody could be that much of a bumbaclot, it must have been on purpose" say the FA. Titus protests his innocence.

Chelsea's hoof-it-to-Drogba-pray-he-scores-then-sit-back-and-defend-all-game tactic is working a treat after the team claim another load of 1-0 victories.

Cardiff defeat Hartlepool United in the FA Cup fifth round and whip the Welsh media into a frenzy.

Brampton are still without a win.

March

After Alex Ferguson criticizes one of his players hairstyles, Newcastle boss Kevin Keegan launches into a speech reminiscent of his infamous rant a few years ago. "If we win, I will f***ing shit meself! I will shit meself with happiness, I really will!" shouts Kevin jumping up and down with rage and smashing a chair over his own head.

Newcastle loose their first game of the season and lunatic striker Jonás Gutiérrez locks himself in a World War II bunker claiming that the 'little blue men' are after him and that he won't leave the bunker until they're vanquished.

After recieving injuries to no less than 85% of their squad, Arsenal's season implodes and they go on a 9 game losing streak, putting them out of the Premiership title race, FA Cup and Champions League, despite having looked very strong in every competition so far.

England lose to unfancied Belarus but Naomi appeases fans by getting her 'jugs' out. "Now that's sexy football!" remarks one sexist fan.

Cardiff beat 'Premiership' opposition West Brom, who field a weakened team, on penalties and the Welsh media move all their attention to Ninian Park.

Sunderland new-boy El-Hadji Diouf endears himself to fans by spitting on a small child during a game, then urinating in a bucket and throwing it into the crowd. He later expresses his confusion as to why fans hate him so much in an interview later that day.

Under Glenn Hoddle, Bolton find themselves in 19th place. "I assure you I'm doing everything I can to keep my side up, morale is key" claims Hoddle, whilst penning an autobiography criticizing each and every one of Bolton's players and staff.

After defeating Liverpool at Anfield, Manchester United fans are still unhappy and claim that league leaders Newcastle are really their main team, and that Man United are "only really a second team" to them.

Brampton are still without a victory.

April

After claims by players that his Manchester City side are too 'dirty' Mark Hughes calls them all "pansies" and personally goes to laugh in the face every player hospitalised by his side's tackles this season. Thaksin Shinawatra bats away more allegations of human rights abuse whilst also hurling a 5 year old to the floor and stealing his pocket money.

Tottenham fans conceed, with their side now in 17th place, that a top four finish will be 'unlikely' this year. David Bentley tells of his desire to 'join a bigger club'  and goes on to abuse Spurs, and his ex clubs Blackburn and Arsenal's fans. In a karmic twist, he is mauled by a car later that day. Ironically the car is a Bentley. The driver is given an honorary knighthood for his services to mankind.

Cardiff narrowly beat Championship rivals Norwich and reach the FA Cup final for the second year in a row, with manager Dave Jones been given a ticker tape parade, despite his side being a dismal 14th in the league, with no promotion prospects.

Newcastle's form slumps dramatically and, despite being top for the whole season so far, suddenly find themselves behind frontrunners Chelsea and Manchester United and also 3rd and 4th place Arsenal and Liverpool. Hansen and Shearer revert their predictions back to Chelsea/Manchester United with Hansen adding "We've seen this time and time again" of the two clubs current league standings.

England lose to 'improbable' opponents Luxembourg but manager Naomi Campbell has taken to attending matches minus any clothes to appease fans. "Now that's sexy football!" procclaims one repetitive sexist fan.

Brampton give up on their SPL dream.

Finding themselves behind and completely outclassed in their Champions League Semi Final with Bayern Munich, with 12 seconds left to play, Liverpool's Steven Gerrard decides to leave the rocking chair that he'd placed in the centre of the pitch and been sat in for the duration of the game so far, and shanks the ball wildly up the pitch. Fortuitously, it lands in the top left hand corner taking the game to extra time. The game goes to penalties, with Liverpool keeper Pepe Reina employing the tactics of his predecessors Jerzy Dudek and Bruce Grobelaar by dancing on the line. His choosen dance, the Macarena, proves a huge success and Liverpool find themselves in yet another Champions League Final. The press call their performance "legendary" despite them having only 8% possesion of the ball throughout the match.

May

The season draws to an end and it emerges, to much annoyance, that Manchester United are already champions 3 games before the end, thanks to Cristiano Ronaldo, who since returning from injury after being merked, has amassed 78 goals. Their fans take to the streets in celebration at their 'beloved' Red Devils.

"Bollocks" says Kevin Keegan.

Still having only racked up a total of 3 points for the entire campain, Hull find themselves needing a miracle to beat Derby's woeful record of 11 points. Luckily, that miracle comes in the shape of 97 year old Dean Windass, who leads them to miraculous victories in their three final games, miraculously scoring a last minute winner against Man United on the final day of the season. "It's a miracle!" claim Hull supporters who build a statue of Windass in the city centre by hand, an occasion only soured when Richard Dawkins swings by to try and disprove the existance of miracles.

Tottenham sack Juande Ramos before the final game of the season, only a point ahead of 18th place Wigan and needing a win to guarantee safety, they appoint former boss Glenn Hoddle who agrees to simultaneously manage both Spurs and his Bolton side, who lie a point behind 18th place Wigan and two behind Tottenham. "At least one of my teams are bound to stay up!" he smuggly tells the press. He becomes the first manager in history to relegate two teams at once when both Tottenham and Bolton lose their games 19-0 and Wigan beat Portsmouth to survive the drop, despite incurring a 38 point penalty earlier this season.

Fifa investigate how every team in Serie A ended up on the same amount of points at the end of the season. It emerges that every single team had been bribing referees, who, not wanting to loose business by making any of their clients lose, kept everyone happy by ensuring draws in every game. Every single team is therefore demoted to Serie B. Unfortunately, the same problem has occoured in this league and every Serie B team is demoted to Serie C, where the trend continues right down to pub league level. Eventually, Fifa give up and reinstate every team and pretend that nothing ever happened.

Cardiff lose their FA Cup Final against Chelsea, but this doesn't matter to Bluebirds fans who are thrilled by the 'experience' and also by meeting 4th most famous Welsh person Shirley Bassey's neighbour who attended the match.

Liverpool lose their Champions League final to Ligue Un winners Lyon and every non-Liverpool fan in the country rejoices.

Alan Hansen becomes stuck in an infinite paradox commenting "We've seen this time and time again" on footage of himself saying "We've seen this time and time again"

Brampton, following in the footsteps of Gretna, declare bankruptcy having spent all their money on posh china plates and expensive meals and are demoted back to the Hope Valley League, their SPL dream in tatters.

West Ham, West Brom and Stoke all enjoy mid table seasons where nothing remotely interesting happens.

England lose against San Marino and the Faroe Islands, ensuring that there is no chance of qualifying for World Cup 2010. Naomi Campbell keeps her clothes on and is fired. England fans temporarily remember the error in their ways in getting rid of Fabio Capello. Instead of atoning this mistake, they force the FA to hire the first English manager that walks into their building. Unfortunately, this turns out to be ex-Bolton/Spurs manager Glenn Hoddle and the nation's chances of qualifying for Euro 2012 are crushed instantly.

If you've got this far thanks for reading/skipping straight to the bottom of the page :)