Michael_AA

Badge Kissers

2008-07-12 18:01:47

Frank Lampard – the ultimate badge kisser

Why is it that players chose to kiss the badge after a goal? We presume to show affection for the club they play for, but if this be the case, why is it almost always the case that the players that kiss the badge are often at another club only months later?

Frank Lampard, earning ₤115,000 a week at Chelsea, spent most of last season kissing his club’s crest after every time that, usually on the 10^th attempt of the afternoon, one of his 25-yard shots trickled into the net after three deflections. But off the pitch he refused to sign a deal for the pitiful sum of ₤130,000 a week, a deal which would have lasted him until the age of 34, when most players, particularly in his position, are well past their best. He now looks set to join his old master Jose Mourinho at Inter Milan, and whether he goes this summer or next doesn’t detract from the fact that he is a classic example of this new phenomenon.

A few years back, Wayne Rooney, a born and bred Evertonian who grew up idolizing Duncan Ferguson, unveiled in a goal celebration a shirt that said “once a blue, always a blue. Only a few months later he joined Manchester United, and upon scoring against his old club had the cheek to kiss the badge of a club whose emblem used to read “Manchester United Football Club”, but has now dropped the last two words of that slogan to signify that it is now more business than football team. When Wayne Rooney kissed his Manchester United badge after scoring against Everton, it was more a two-fingered salute to the people he used to call his own. He wasn’t saluting his team, he was glorifying himself, and he may as well have kissed a picture of his own unsightly appearance, or, if he was flexible enough, performed the kind of act on himself that Paris Hilton is famous for.Alan Smith is another famous badge kisser, a player who loved Leeds so much, he left for their biggest rivals. Add to this odious list Dwight Yorke when at Aston Villa, Teddy Sheringham before leaving Spurs for Manchester, and then Teddy Sheringham before leaving Manchester Untied for Spurs. It has got to the point where the act of planting a pecker on the club crest purveys the opposite message to the one that is presumably meant.

For me a player shows his loyalty to his club through his actions, through playing for his club for a number of years and showing loyalty and affection for the team even after they retire or leave, not by giving a meaning. If Frank loved his club so much he would have put pen to paper as well as his lips to his shirt. Alan Shearer never kissed his badge after scoring a goal for his beloved Newcastle, choosing instead to raise his arm in his trade-mark celebration. But he played for his team for 10 years when he could have earnt more success and money elsewhere. That is an example of a player who really loves their team.

I understand, but don’t agree with, the arguments that it is understandable for a player to move on purely for bigger wages because they have short careers, or because in a capitalist society they deserve any money that someone is willing to pay them, but if that be the case that their only loyalty should be to themselves, then would the modern footballer please stop trying to convince us otherwise. It is an insult to the fans at the stadium watching them, fans that would play for free for their team given half the chance.Instead of kissing the badge, I recommend that unless they would not swap their shirt for a bigger salary, players shoul the mirror after scoring a goal.

Titus Bramble for England

2008-06-24 09:45:36

In this blog I aim to answer the eternal question posed in pub debates across the land. Just how many players would have to be injured before Titus Bramble, football's clumsiest defender, earned himself an England cap? First of all we have to consider that despite being famous for continually making hilarious gaffes like this.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NqLaSZxX64A&feature=related

And this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NEbssmoJS4c

and this little beauty here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TY0aRU9HD9k

he is still a premiership footballer, better than I or probably anyone reading this, and did earn 10 caps for England's under-21s team. nonetheless I reckon the following 22 players are all ahead of Titus in the pecking order for England’s centre-back position. Seeing as it is usually the case that England play with two centre backs, we can assume that 21 of the following 22 men would have to be injured

John Terry, Rio Ferdinand, Joleon Lescott, Micah Richards, Johnathan Woodgate, David Wheater, Sol Campbell , Wes Brown Michael Dawson, Nedim Onouha, Matthew Upson, Ledley King (Always injured anyways, but could come back for one game like in the Carling Cup Final), Anton Ferdinand, Justin Hoyte, Zat Knight, Garry Neville (can play CB), Phil Neville, Linvoy Primus, Curtis Davies, Jlloyd Samuel, Steven Taylor and finally Jamie Carragher

Carragher is of course retired from international football, but I figure that after about 20 players being injured, a public campaign would be so great for Carra to return, there’d be front page headlines in the red-top tabloids.

I would at this stage like to point out that I have not simply named every English centre-back I can, and have missed out the following, who I believe Titus is probably ahead of in Capello’s thinking;

Anthony Gardner

Glen Johnson (more of a right back, and would be likely to play there if Neville and Richards were injured)

Andy Todd

Gary Cahill

Paul Konchesky

Your mum

Tony Adams

Bobby Moore

But fear not Titus, for although England has plenty of centre-backs, they seem to be lacking up front. If you can produce this on a regular basis, there is still hope

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9eLZ8UxPTs&NR=1

Titus - wasted striker Bobby Moore - presently unavailable

Blatter's plans are rediculous and unfair

2008-05-30 18:36:14

Sepp Blatter has recently been perusing the idea of limiting the amount of foreign players in a team. His proposal is to create the complete opposite of a meritocracy, where the best rise to the top regardless of race, religion and country of origin. Blatter has always been a man who thinks of 50 Ideas a day, 51 of which are bad. Such as when he wanted to split the game into quarters just to appease the American market, or when he proposed that the women’s game should be played in underwear to attract more viewers and sponsorship.

The beautiful thing about football is that it is fair. An untalented singer can reach the top with a good agent, and untalented actress can become a multi millionaire simply because of her bra-size, and even a complete imbecile can become president of the United States of America with the right family connections.

Football is not like this. Football is just. The best players reach the top regardless of whether their skin colour, country of origin, family history, religion, hair colour or penis size. Some players may be slightly overrated, underrated, lucky or unlucky. Some are born in the right circumstances to make a quality player, but there are probably not many potential world player of the year winners playing in the lower leagues, and there are undoubtedly no players in the premiership that cannot be described as talented and no players in the top level of football in any country who have not been training their whole lives to reach that level. The extensive scouting networks of the top teams means that if you are good enough, you will sooner or later be noticed, and if you are bad enough, you will be found out. Even the players often lambasted as awful and overrated, such as Titus Bramble or Ade Akinbiye, were probably the best in their schools, and played the game for hours on end every day in their youth in order to make the top.

Football also gives people from the poorest countries in the world a chance to make a decent living for themselves, but Blatter’s plans will change all of this. Under Blatter’s plan players such as Didier Drogba and Kolo Toure would be left to make their livings in their own countries' leagues, a stage nowhere near big enough for their talents.

I was born in north London, grew up within walking distance of Highbury and have supported Arsenal all my life. Do I deserve to play for the club more than foreign players like Emanuelle Adebayor? No, because I have not the ability required.

Top 10 worst Arsenal performances

2008-05-18 20:29:49

Top 10 worst Arsenal Performances

Ok. First of all, I’m really sorry, I’m sorry for writing this as it brings back tortuous memories to all Arsenal fans. I’m also sorry as in posting this we will inevitably get the annoying Spurs fans leaving comments like “LOL I fiNk ur dA shIteSt tEem on Da plNt rofl 5-15-1-5-1-5-1 LOOOOL”

Which will be problematic as first we’ll have to try and work out what they’re saying, then when we do it’ll be just annoying as we’ll have to remind them how shit their team is and now, the Mickey-mouse under 12’s cup is not a real trophy. It will be like stooping to their level, and that my friends, is low. But this list was written after the 4-0 loss to a very good Manchester United team in the FA cup this year. Depressed and despondent, I thought that this year I’d seen two of the worst performances an Arsenal team have ever given. So rolled of a list of the ten worst, and then to cheer myself up, I wrote the list of the ten best to cheer myself up, which was posted in the earlier blog. Here goes….

Top 10 worst Arsenal Performances

1. Manchester United 6-1 Arsenal 2001

Igor Stepanovs…..yeah, that’s it. Blame the new guy. A very weak back four were lambs to the slaughter at Old Trafford in a season where Man United cruised to the title.

2. Manchester United 4-0 Arsenal 2008

Both sides fielded weakened teams because of upcoming European ties and, quite simply, Manchester United’s second choice wingers (Nani and Anderson) ran rings around Arsenal’s second choice fullbacks throughout of the game. Arsenal were at the time suffering their worst injury crisis all season and were forced into playing an injured Cesc Fabregas.

3. Tottenham 5-1 Arsenal – 2008

Well done Spurs, for the first time in 9 years you beat us. In what your assistant manager called “the biggest game of the season” I think I may take up a lot of space just to hit back at all the abuse spurs fans have been throwing at us. Spurs fans have been claiming that it was a full strength Arsenal team they played. One word - bollocks

Fabianski – 3^rd choice keeper, we don’t just save him for the Carling Cup cos we think it’s the most important. I.E we don’t take the “Tottenham Hotspur Lesley King approach”

Sanga – only played because the only other fit right back in the squad was playing in central defence

Hoyte – 7^th Choice Centre Back

Gallas – only played because there was no alternative

Traore – not first choice, 18 years old

Gilberto – not first choice

Denilson - not fist choice, 19 years old at the time

Hleb – first choice, played so Walcott could go up front and because Eboue was away at the African Nations Cup

Diaby - not first choice

Walcott – 18 years old, not first choice

Bendtner – not first choice and had only just turned 20, so our strike force had an average age of 19

“Yeah but you had Fabregas and Adebayor playing” – shut the fuck up they came on as subs and Fabregas only because Denilson was injured.

The league winners can be called the best overall team, the cup winners can be called the cup specialists, and the Champions League winners can claim to be the best in Europe. What can Spurs claim? To have sneaked into Europe using a competition only invented to make money out of midweek games when floodlights were invented which has in recent years been won by the giants of football Leicester City (twice in the last 10 years!) and Middlesboro, and has also been won by Luton, Oxford and Swindon.

So please spurs fans, give it a rest. Phew. Moving on…

4. Arsenal 0-3 Middlesboro – 2000

I can’t be bothered to write up this one so:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/eng_prem/1274584.stm

5. Arsenal 2-3 West Ham 2005

2-0 down at half time, and with our most experienced defender at fault for both goals. Sol Campbell sensationally walked out of the stadium at half time, and was not seen for several days afterwards. Campbell was later found tied up in a straight jacket in North London’s Barnet mental hospital, mumbling incoherently and foaming at the mouth. This was especially strange as at this point Barnet mental hospital had been shut down for several years and converted into luxury flats. Campbell never really recovered from the trauma, as this was one of many bad performances for him that season. He was sold to Portsmouth, where his glory days came to a halt. His tragic decline means his whereabouts now are unknown, and he was allegedly last seen captaining a small amateur team in the final of some kind of cup competition.

6. Arsenal 0-5 Chelsea – 1998

This was Arsenal’s worst ever defeat at Highbury, and came as a result of another weakened league-cup team. Looking back at the program notes, I have no idea who two of the players were (Caballero and Grondin anyone?). Such was the weakness of the team that Remi Garde wore the captains armband for the first, and, as far as I am aware, the last time.

7. Arsenal 1-4 Liverpool – 2007

Peter Crouch, a man who can in many ways be described as a freak of nature, produced a freakishly good performance by his standards and somehow managed to score a hat-trick

8. Middlesboro 2-1 Arsenal – Carling Cup Semi - 2004

Even though this was the Carling Cup squad, and they had already reached the Semi-finals, it was still a disappointing win and a poor performance over the two legs. 1-1 after the first leg, Arsenal needed a win or a 2-2 draw to progress. Keown was sent off in the first half and despite Arsenal taking the lead Boro' came back to win, with new big money signing Jose Antonio Reyes scoring an own goal in one of his first games to loose Arsenal the match. Martin Keown was a great defender at Arsenal, but as he grew older he inevitably lost his pace, and often tried to make up for this with cynical fouls on quicker strikers that often got him red cards.

9. Arsenal 2-4 Barcelona – 1999

A night in 1999 when a team with little champions League pedigree were simply outclassed by a team featuring future World Players of the Year winners in Luis Figo and Rivaldo. Such was Arsenal’s inexperience in the competition that a 1-1 draw at the Nou Camp in the return tie was considered a huge result for the team.

10. Spartak Moscow 4-1 Arsenal 2000

Arsenal travelled to Moscow and, like Hitler and Napoleon before us, were defeated by the Russian winter. The conditions of minus 389 degrees Celsius meant that four Spartak counter attacks ended up with the football gathering so much snow that it flattened Arsenal goalkeeper Alex Maninger on the way in.

Of course if you look at the lows, there aren’t that many, and I struggled to make up this list so little have Arsenal lost in recent years (We usually loose about 6 games a year, and win forty…..). I haven’t posted Youtube links like the last time, it’s too painful to watch. Let us never speak of this again.

Top 10 best Arsenal performances

2008-05-11 14:49:59

At 21 Years old, I reckon I've been watching the Gunners play for thirteen years. During that time we've had significantly more success than failure, and some excellent games that have been a joy to watch. I present to you now, from the depths of my memory, Arsenal's 10 best performances from the period 1995-2008. Note these are performances, not results. Winning the FA Cup versus Man United was good, but the team didn't play well. Beating Everton 7-0 meant nothing, but was awesome from start to finish.

The 10 best Arsenal Performances

1. Inter Milan 1-5 Arsenal – 2003 When the team win's 5-1 at one of Europe's biggest clubs, there's not much more you can ask for. Having lost 3-0 to Milan at Highbury, the team took a 2-1 lead, before pulling clear in the last ten minutes with three late goals.

Watch : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bX5gE6Q504c

2. Real Madrid 0-1 Arsenal - 2006 Arsenal became the only English team to ever win at the Bernabau in a competitive match, and my gosh they deserved it. an 18 year old cesc Fabregas outplayed his central midfield legend Zinedine Zidane, and Thierry Henry showed why he was at that point the world's best player by taking on the whole Madrid defence single handedly to score the winner.

watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=shTfdFUX-hg&feature=related

3. Arsenal 7-0 Everton - 2005 Towards the end of the 2005 season Dennis Bergkamp was soon to be out of contract, and Arsene Wenger was unsure as to whether he should give the aging genius another year. He gave Dennis a chance to prove himself with a start in the last home match versus Everton. Dennis then proceeded to give a master class in football. Setting up four goals and scoring one himself as Arsenal beat an Everton team who finished fourth that year by seven goals. It was a lesson in how to play the beutifull game from a footballer so good he sometimes made Pele cry with feelings of inadequacy. Bergkamp walked of the field at the end to chants of the crown of "one more year", and his new contract was secured.

Watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xeUy7Iy77Uc

4. Arsenal 3-0 Manchester United – 1998 Basking in the glory of the championship win in the previous season, Arsenal then went on to beat Manchester 3-0 twice within the space of a month in the Charity Shield and the Premier League. Goals from Adams Anelka, and a newly signed Freddie Ljungberg making his debut made it a game to remember. Watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvVVY_xGydw

5. Arsenal 4-0 Everton – 1998 – to clinch the championship Displaying arrogance true to Manchester United fans everywhere, Fred Done, Man United fan and owner of Betfred bookmakers, paid out mid-season in 1998 to all of those who had bet on Manchester Untied to win the Title. Unfortunately for Fred, Arsenal then went on a 10-game winning streak that culminated with the winning of the league with a demolition job on Everton, causing cocky Fred to lose £500,000. Tony Adams, the rock on which the championship was built, scored the fourth goal to cap a great season and win the League.

Watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4UehS4PGUc

6. Arsenal 2-0 Juventus - 2006 Another game from the Champions League run of 2006. Arsenal caused Italy's biggest club to fall apart on the pitch, culminating in them having two men sent off. Arsenal legend Patrick Viera was under the spotlight, but was robbed of the ball for Arsenal's first goal and ended up with a yellow card, meaning he was suspended for the second leg.

Watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGb0QRTMgzU&feature=related

7. Arsenal 2-0 Chelsea – FA Cup Final 2002 In a team noted for their foreign flair, it was "the Romford Pele" Ray Parlour that scored the winner as Arsenal cruised to the F.A Cup with help from a great defensive display and a superb second goal by Freddie Ljungberg. Upon asked after the match what it was like to win the F.A Cup. Freddie famously replied "it's fucking excellent"

Watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2YnsLrLPsU

8. Arsenal 2-0 Manchester United FA 5th Round– 2003 This was billed as the final before the Final, such was the dominance of the two teams in English Football at the time. It proved to be true as Arsenal went on to lift the cup later that year. Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson was so enraged that after this game he famously kicked a boot at David Beckham, causing the England Captain to need stitches, and fuelling the bust-up that saw David head for Madrid at the end of the season.

9. Arsenal 7-0 Slavia Prague 2007 Slavia were top of the Czech League at the time, but Arsenal made them look like an amateur team and scored 7 goals to give the home fans a treat. Theo Walcott was given a rare chance to start as a centre forward and repaid his managers faith with two goals.

Watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2RmqQclQQs&feature=related 10.

Liverpool 3-6 Arsenal– 2007 When the kids came of age. A team with an average age of 19 and containing six teenagers thrashed Liverpool and became the first team to score six goals against Liverpool at Anfield for 76 years.

Match Report - http://www.the-onion-bag.com/index.php?story=486

Watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKFhSCpvbbo&feature=related

11. AC Milan 0-2 Arsenal. Ok I know I said 10, but this was great wasn't it. Watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBDGkk9ZZTY

Coming up next on the blog...a delve into the darkest days of the club as I recount the 10 worst Arsenal performances........beware.

Premier League managers and their playing days

2008-05-08 23:57:23

Most managers have always been drawn from the ranks of ex-players. This is logical, as years spent playing the game are bound create a tactical knowledge of training and tactics that goes beyond anything learnt either playing with your mates or sitting in an armchair watching the game once a week. Plus it is the next logical step for a player after the retirement of what is a very short career. Thus I have decided to create a little ranking of current Premier League Managers (as of 7th May) with respect to the success of their playing careers.

1.Kevin Keegan, Newcastle United – Won fucking everything and is a legend at almost every club he played for.
Honours: 3 League titles, 1 Bundersliga, 2 UEFA Cups, 1 European Cup, 1 FA Cup, 1 Writers Footballer of the Year, 1 PFA Player of The Year, 2 European Footballer of the Year, 1 1st Division golden boot, 63 England Caps, Inaugural inductee of English Football Hall of Fame, England Captain for 6 Years, No. 8 in “players who shook the kop”.

2.Roy Keane, Sunderland – Manchester United’s captain for eight years, he also skippered his country for five. Won 66 Caps for Ireland but it could have been many more had it not been for his self-imposed hiatus from international football following a bust-up with coach Mick McCarthy.
Honours: The Champions League, 7 Premier Leagues, 1 Scottish title, 4 FA Cups, 1 Scottish League Cup. PFA and Writers Player of the Year in 2000.

3.Mark Hughes, Blackburn Rovers – Mark played for major teams in three different european leagues, a top level striker who managed to still be playing in the Premier League age 38 - a remarkable acheivement for a striker
clubs: Man U, Barca, Bayern, Chelsea, Everton, Saints, and Blackburn.
Honours: 72 Wales Caps, 2 Premier Leagues, 4 FA Cups, 2 Euro cups, 3 League Cups, 2 PFA Player of the Year Trophies, 1 Young Player of the Year Trophy, 1 BBC Wales Sports Personality of the Year

4.Steve Bruce, Wigan Athletic- Captained Manchester United in the mid 1990s, yet somehow never played for England.
Honours: 3 League Titles, 3 FA Cups, 1 League Cup, 1 European Cup-Winners Cup.

5.Martin O Neil, Aston Villa – Key player in glory days of Forest and Northern Ireland. Somewhat stereotypically for an Irishman though he started off his career at a club called “Distillery F.C”

6.Alex McLeish, Birmingham City – won loads with Aberdeen during their glory days, including 3 Leagues, 7 Cups and a European trophy. Played in 3 World Cups and is Scotland’s 3rd most capped player. He was also crowned Scottish Player of the Year in 1990

7.Steve Coppell, Reading – 42 England Caps, 322 Man U App, FA Cup Winner

8.Gareth Southgate, Middlesro' – missed a fucking penalty. Also Won League Cup and 57 England Caps. But, really, who cares. The man could save the world from nuclear destruction twice, but he'd still be known the Euro 96 penalty chocker.

9.Alex Ferguson, Manchester United – Was a good goal-scorer, but never played for Scotland

10.Gary Megson, Bolton – Played in a Norwich Team that finished 3rd In the first Premier League season- meaning qualification for the UEFA Cup

11.Alan Curbishley, West Ham – Played regularly for West Ham, Birmingham and Villa. Once won an England U21 Cap, but never made the leap to the full national side.

12.Harry Redknapp, Portsmouth – a respectable career saw the Metropolitan Police's least favourite manager play 150 times for West Ham, and 24 for Seattle Sounders

13.David Moyes, Everton – Journeyman centre half, who’s career highlight was a Scottish championship medal with Celtic

14.Paul Jewell, Wigan Athletic – Had a long career, but mostly in the lower divisions of the Football League. Some, who've seen certain internet-circulated videos of Jewell would say he's still a bit of a "player" now, only not in the footballing sense.

15.Arsene Wenger, Arsenal – Arsene won a French League title with Strasbourg by just about playing enough games in his one season with the team to qualify for a medal. The playing career of this great manager is best summed up by the man himself "I was the best...in my village...it was a very small village"

16.Juande Ramos, Tottenham Hotspurs – Played in La Liga….3 times.

17.Roy Hodgson, Fulham – Played a bit-part for Palace when they were even worse than they are now

18.Rafael Benitez, Liverpool – Played In Spanish equivalent of Ryman League, and for Real Madrid Reserves, and had 5 caps for Spain universities

19. Sven Goran Erikson - Manchester city – The allegedly outgoing city boss only reached the heights of the Swedish Division 2…and even then at bloody right back. Retired age 27, allegedly due to a knee injury and not just because he was shit.

20. Avram Grant, Chelsea – (allegedly) played football in the school playground when he was a kid

Feel free to comment if you have any opnions on this. Obviously I have no copyright control but I kindly request that this blog is kept right here and not copied and pasted elsewhere. No nicking my ideas!

Top 5 Arsenal Players' Haircuts...EVER!!

2008-05-08 19:23:37

apollogies for the real lack of any serious football insight in my first ever post but really, I should be doing my dissertation anyway. Having just had my long locks cut to their shortest point since I was fourteen, I'm now at the point where not even my own friends recognise me anymore. Even my ex-girlfriend who I still speak to didn't recognise me from about 15 metres away and the guy who hates my guts didn't give me my usual "fuck-you" blanking that he usually does when I passed him earlier. Which got me thinking...

Top 5 Haircuts by Arsenal Players

1. Martin Keown – short back and sides - A fashion icon to millions, the catwalk models of London Fashion week have never quite perfected his "bulldog chewing on a wasp" stare

http://football.guardian.co.uk/pictures/0,,1055221,00.html -

2. Cesc Fabregas – The mullet - I think a tear came to my eye when he shaved this off

http://offthemeatrack.wordpress.com/2007/11/02/fightin-talk-from-cesc-fabregas-ahead-of-tommorrows-big-game/

3. Feddie Ljungberg – Red Mohawk - We loved Freddie, because he had red hair, we loved Freddie, because he was everywhere, we loved Fredie because he was Arsenal through and through.....until he went to West Ham and scored against us. The goal was dissalowed wrongfully for offside, but that didn't stop me sreaming at the TV in the middle of a crowded bar that it was the right decision because "WE MADE YOU FREDDIE, WE MADE YOU!"

- http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/teams/a/arsenal/1693214.stm

4. William Gallas – Mr T tribute - William pitys the fool who questions his position as captain

http://www.football.co.uk/shared/images/news/400x400_1198335720_spt_ai_arsenal_tottenham_21.jpg

5. Charlie George - the haircut which, until two days ago, my own was based upon.

http://www.normanhood.co.uk/charliegeorge.jpeg